Talking to someone today, after our meeting, about change and our resistance to it. Also about the word “no”.
Interesting to me that the one thing, which is consistent in life is change. Everything changes. But I don’t always like it. It’s probably because I’m not ready for change. And that’s my problem. And just like I’ve thought before, when change pops up, it’s up to me to accept the fact that things are changing. It’s my resistance to change which gets in the way. And the longer I refuse to accept it, the worse it gets for me. That’s when pain comes into the picture and I find I have to surrender once again. And, when I do, I find how much I am blessed and sometimes experience another spiritual awakening.
Funny how that will happen from time to time with me in this program. I’d think by now I’d be ready for this, since it is a fact that change always happens. But no. Once again it’s all about me. I don’t always like it. And then I have to think, who am I? Why not accept the inevitable? One of my character defects. Probably something to do with my pride. False pride. No one consulted me ahead of time and told me what was happening. Self pity? Most likely. Anger is the result. What junk. I need more changes in me.
Then the next thing was to learn how to say “no” and mean it. I remember a long time ago, when I had been “hooked” into a situation I didn’t like, because I had said “yes” to someone, my sponsor said to me that I had the right to say “no”. I thought about that. Why hadn’t that occurred to me? Then he said that when I said “no” to mean it. I didn’t understand at the time. I thought if you said “no” to someone that was that. He told me that I might think that way, but unless I made sure the person understood that “no” was it, that it was final, they wouldn’t buy it and would persist until I probably would end up saying “yes” again.
That set a process in motion in my life. To learn that “no” meant “no” and also that “yes” meant “yes”. “No” ended it and “yes” continued it. It took time but I worked on it. I learned in the process that, when formerly I had said “no” I was tentative. I was tempted to say “yes” to please someone. I didn’t want to do what was asked of me, but I was always on the fence. A difficult way to live. And I had to change it.
Anyway, I also know that playing around with resistance to change and not being able to say “no” can not only be tricky, but it very well could be a challenge to my sobriety. That’s not a place I want to go. Mean what you say and say what you mean is what I was told. Good counsel for someone like me.
And, of course, that’s where I know I need to go and seek the spiritual solution. Asking my Higher Power for help and talking to a very sober member of this program. I never take my problems to the group. All that would lead to would be ill advice and ill counseling. I need to go to meetings and listen for the spiritual solution, which comes from putting this program into action. The 12 Steps.
Just being grateful for what I have found in this program. My sobriety and my life.