We were talking today about something we don’t often mention, except when telling our stories. But there it was. Someone wanted to talk about memories. What kind of memories? Sudden flashbacks.
Almost everyone in the meeting could relate to those moments in our lives, when we’re occupied doing something else and there’s this flashback to things that happened, when we were out there drinking. Usually things which surprise us with the suddenness of a picture in our minds. Something we would like to forget. Something very unwelcome at the time it happens.
After the meeting I talked to a number of people and all of them could recall these moments, when we’d like to slap our heads and “Oh, no!” or maybe a lot stronger in expression. But almost everyone said it was a reminder of why we never want to go back there to where we were. Drinking, getting drunk, and getting into all kinds of trouble.
A good friend of mine and I continued to talk about these flashbacks. He said the thoughts that popped up unexpectedly in his mind in the past were often embarrassing and he tried to get rid of them as quickly as possible. This belief is that that was then and this is now. There was no use going over them again.
In my experience these kinds of thoughts are things I never remembered after I got sober. They’re often real surprises to me. “Where did that come from?” kind of thing. “Oops!” Or, like I said, something much stronger in expression.
Like one woman said to me after the meeting today, that, when these things pop up uninvited, it comes a relief to her that she’s not like that today. Ditto for me. She said that it makes her more grateful for this program and what it has done for her. Again, ditto.
Anyway, it played into the other subject of the meeting in a way. The 9th Step. Where many of us had to bring some of this stuff up to the person we were making amends to. Sort of. These “pop up” flashbacks were probably not in the amends themselves, since they weren’t in our minds at the time we made these.
What’s the phrase? Gone but not forgotten. That’s it exactly. Much time has passed and for some reason these memories come back. Often very graphic. Ugh!
Why? Who knows. But like the woman said, it makes her grateful that the past is over and done with, unless we’re insane enough to pick up that next first drink.
Although I never covered this in my thoughts on sobriety, it is another reason for me to continue to put his program into some sort of action each day of my life. A reinforcement to my commitment to stay sober.
And another reason for gratitude to this program and my Higher Power for all that has been given to me. Freedom from the bondage of alcohol I suffered from for so many years. And gratitude for being an alcoholic, which allowed me into this program and the benefits I have received as a result.