Talking to another sober friend of mine this weekend, we spoke about knowledge and understanding. The truth for me is that I have little of one, but not much of the other. Maybe a little bit more.
That old statement, the more we learn the less we know, played a big part in what was being said. And, as I have said before, I know less and less, as time goes on. But understanding is something else. His take on it and mine were in agreement.
For some reason, as I have grown in this program, so has my understanding. Sometimes it amazes me, because I’m not always aware of it. Early on in this program I had no understanding of what was going on and what was expected of me. The Steps began to change that. And for a long time I had understanding on a limited basis. However it was an improvement and it helped me, what little I had, to begin to improve my life and my relationships. Both with my relationships and my Higher Power. Imperfectly to say the least. But it was better than before.
Then there came a time even though I was still unaware of what was happening, when my understanding began to deepen. Mostly this was in dealing with others. Someone would come to me with problems and I would listen and this thing would happen. It was like someone lifted a curtain and I understood.
I really don’t know if I should be thinking this. But since we talked, it was a little clearer. We were talking about this in terms of prayer and meditation. In particular, meditation. The spiritual direction I received told me that, when I entered into silence, I was to have no expectations of results. Not to pay attention to “inspirations”. Just to be quiet. Stillness, and just wait. To conclude the period with “thanks” and a prayer and get up and go on. That any message I would hear or need to hear would probably come from someone else. Probably at a meeting, or from someone I would run across. But my mind would be open and ready to receive whatever it was. Experience has shown me that is true.
And that we both agreed was the source of understanding. It’s spiritual in nature. At least that was our take on it. And it seems to prove itself out, when I am dealing with others. Doesn’t mean that something can’t come between me and my understanding. Sometimes it does. If I’m careless and not paying attention, my feelings or my emotions can take over and I can find myself stumbling and falling short of the mark.
When it comes to listening to others, who find themselves in difficulties with this program, that’s when I need to really pay attention and be aware and not get caught up in me. It’s an opportunity to put my ego aside and listen. And, when I listen, it’s then that often the “curtain” goes up and I understand. Nothing miraculous. Nothing spectacular. Just like a door opening and allow me to understand the person and what they’re saying.
It’s exactly what I found in coming into the program. The people, who were sober, understood me. And it was when I slowly began to realize this, I got hope, then faith, and eventually real affection for those around me. I had found the solution to my alcoholism.
I’m probably not clear, except in my own mind. What the two of us were talking about was really sobriety and staying sober. And what we had learned in here through the years and what was happening as a result of changing our lives for the better. Growing along spiritual lines. And eventually understanding.
Anyway, just some thoughts pertaining to my staying sober.