Early today I stopped and thought about two words: impulse and compulsion. I guess, as I was meditating, it came to mind that, when I was out there, I often acted on impulse. No thought. Just did it. And then the consequences, which were often not close to being good. Plus I was often caught up in compulsive thoughts and actions, like getting drunk. All the result of this disease of chronic alcoholism.
However, after I came into this program and worked the Steps and listened to my sponsor, I began to learn not to act on impulse. That statement I learned in here, when in doubt don’t. To take a deep breath and step back and then do the next right thing. The habit of compulsion left me. I had begun to depend on and have faith in my Higher Power.
Later today I had the opportunity to meet with an old friend in this program, who is faced with a huge problem. The fortunate thing for me was that they were willing to share and allow me to listen. Again, as we talked about it, this was a problem shared and a problem cut in half. Diminished in size within them. A chance to rest and give away the weight of what had been weighing them down.
Though it involved anger and resentment, they were aware of how much the spiritual life is right there within them. That the real answer is spiritual. In fact they had heard from a very spiritual man this morning, who described his own struggles with similar problems and his seeking the spiritual solution that my friend is faced with.
I really had no “advice” to give. Just a listener. Although I was able to share my experience with similar problems, as well as the hope I have achieved as a result. Not sure about my “strength” in all of this.
The thing about this is my admiration that my friend had opportunities to act impulsively and didn’t. They admitted that in the past they might have felt compelled to do something, which would have been done out of seeking to get even. But the program and their spiritual growth in here has been helpful in staying under control. But they had been tempted.
That’s one of the things in this program, which helped me to grow in hope and faith. The men and women around me, who exhibited the changes in their personalities and their lives. Their actions. I got hope and wanted to change to be just like them. Hopefully over time I have.
Anyway, I’m know I’m so much better than I was, when I came in. That insanity, where I was fighting everyone and everything. That damaging anger and the weight of so many resentments has passed, as a result of working these Steps. I no longer think or act impulsively or feel compelled to do anything wrong.
I believe in what the BB says about the spiritual awakening. I may still have character defects, but they are far smaller in size than they were before. All because I was driven by pain to seek sobriety and was gifted by my Higher Power with this program and the men and women, who so generously gave of their time and understanding to a sick and suffering alcoholic like myself.
Anyway, this is where my thoughts and the gift my friend gave to me led today. To gratitude for all I have received and what it means to me to be sober and living the life I have today.