Sounds crazy, but I was thinking of self. Me. What about me? That’s a good question.
All of this because I was reminded of what I used to feel like and do, as a result of others attitudes or actions toward me. And why did all this come up? It was because of conversations with others, who were feeling low or worse, when talking to me these past weeks.
They were suffering because of rejections by others. Angry words or actions toward them, which made them feel awful as a result. Guilt or remorse, low self esteem, anger toward themselves, whatever. The main thing was that they had bought into what they were feeling.
That made me go back and think about a couple of things I learned in here. The first is that spiritual axiom in the 10th Step. Whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us. And what is wrong? Why would I be buying into someone else’s problems. It’s their problem. What am I doing messing around with it? I need to go to others and my Higher Power and turn it over. To share it and cut it in half.
These people I was talking to had not done anything wrong. They weren’t guilty. It was due to others either ignoring them, or saying things out of anger or resentments. The problem they had had nothing to do with them. It was the other peoples problems.
The problem, like mine in the past, was that though they felt low it was the seed for anger and resentments toward others. Not a good result, as far as staying sober and living a sober life. A good reminder for me.
I had to ask them and myself why I would buy into my feelings? Would how I felt be a lie? I mean, can my feelings lie to me? The answer is obvious. Yes. When I attempt to live on how I feel I’m on the edge of trouble. I learned that from my sponsor and old timers I knew in here.
They had an answer for this.
As I learned from my sponsor, I had to think with my head and not my heart. In other words, to step aside from my emotions. To learn to walk around them and not buy into them. My emotions, when I give into them, take over my mind and rule it. They do the thinking for me.
I was warned a long time ago not to allow moods in my life. If I’m in a good mood I will soon be in a bad mood. Sooner rather than later. It’s part of learning not to let my emotions take over my life. They can eventually lead to a drink, if I do. I’ve seen this too many times and its consequences.
What can I do really? I learned that I can push my feelings aside, ask for help, and then act as if. Act as if I’m all right. Act as if everything is okay. Isn’t that a lie? Maybe. But it’s better than what I was feeling and in a very short time it will be the truth. Positive thinking rather than negative.
And what does all this remind me of? That the spiritual life is not a theory. I have to live it. If I rely on my Higher Power for the help I need. If I’m willing to change in order to do what I learned in here. To practice these principles in all of my affairs. If I’m willing to give up that two sided coin Bill talked about. The coin of Pride. On one side of which is my ego, false pride, me taking control. On the other is despair and self pity. That’s a start.
And then go to meetings and listen. Doesn’t matter what I think is wrong. If I will but listen I will eventually begin to find a way out of my dilemma. My wrong thinking and feelings. And to remember that I can’t stay sober by myself.
By the way, I’m never going to do this perfectly. I’m a human being and an alcoholic on top of that. No matter what I think, I’m going to make mistakes. But I can always pick myself up, when I fall short. Dust myself off and keep on keeping on. Not to quit and buy into negative thinking.
Anyway, just thinking. Positive I hope.