Talking to a young friend of mine today reminded me of a truth about myself and a lot of those just like me. And what was that? The fact that when I came to this program I was a 42 year old child. I hadn’t grown up.
That brought a lot of things to mind. One was how damaging my emotions, those of a child, had been to my life and the lives of others. Pretty much what Bill W. had written about in the Eighth Step in the 12&12, when he wrote about the effect our unconscious minds had on our personalities and the damage they had done to us and others.
All one had to do was to have been around me, when I was drinking. That would have been a thing of the past one would think, if stopping drinking alcohol was all I had to do to get things under control. Not true. If anything I slowly became aware of what a real wreck I was emotionally. Took me quite a while in truth to grasp what was wrong with me. Early on was when my sponsor began to try to teach me to think with my head and not my heart. Didn’t catch on right away that he was talking about my emotions. And they were the direct result of long forgotten memories, probably from my childhood. Or the unconscious mind.
As long as I was going to allow my emotions to control my thinking and my actions I was never ever going to grow up. I would remain a child the rest of my life governed by anxiety, worry, fear, anger, resentments, etc. Somehow I was going to have to learn how to defeat these emotions and get them under control. And that’s exactly where the Second Step came into the picture. I was going to have to learn how to grow along spiritual lines and find a restoration to sanity. To stop fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol. The spiritual awakening.
Like I said, not an overnight event. It was going to take time. I was going to have to learn how to turn my will and my life over to a Power greater than myself. And that was exactly what these Twelve Steps would begin to do for me. I was going to have to learn how to have hope, faith, and eventually love. But I was also going to have to learn how to stop quitting, when I felt like it. I was going to have to learn how not to become complacent, satisfied and setting myself up for a possibility of the next drink. How to become faithful and not quit. To keep on trying despite everything.
Just as important was my becoming willing to not only listen to sober alcoholics, but to learn how to share with them. To learn how to become open and let others know what was going on with me. Not an easy task for a selfish, self centered, egotistical maniac, who was used to keeping secrets of self from others. I was going to have to learn to listen how others became open. If I listened I was going to learn just how much like myself these people were. And then how they had learned how to handle their difficulties. A lot of this would or could be done in private with a sponsor or other sober alcoholics like myself.
Having said all of this does this mean that over time I have grown up? That would be an interesting quiz for those around me. I often find myself stumbling and fumbling in my sober life. However I have noted that things are not as large or intense as they once were. My reactions are not the same as they used to be. But they’re still available to me, if I forget what it is I’m supposed to be doing. If I’m not aware. And if I stop praying and meditating. Not working these Steps into my daily life. If I’m not talking to others and sharing what is going on in my life. If I’m not listening to others and trying to exercise compassion. The Eleventh and Twelfth Steps.
I guess what I’m trying to say is how important it is to try to live a spiritual life. To have hope, trust, faith in my Higher Power. To continue on a daily basis and not quit. The beginning of possibly growing up and becoming a mature human being. Anyway I felt it was a good time to sit down and think about all of this. Just grateful I am sober and still have an opportunity to change.