Last night I was reading the Twelve and Twelve. before going to sleep. The part I was reading reminded me of the trouble I had back quite a while ago, as I was slowly and clumsily trying to work this program. I know that I was very slowly learning in here. Talk about slowly growing, this was it.
What it was talking about was how we can get tied up in our emotions and how they can get us back to a drink. I can well remember how it was, when I would get upset. How anger could get deep down into me. Fear and anxiety were also a mess within. And I can remember how fortunate I was to have an old timer, as a sponsor. He was the one, who very slowly got me through all of this stuff.
However I did know of others, who, like myself were tripping over these things. And some went back out and some never got back and died out there from drinking.
One more time, I was slowly able to learn about, what old timers talked of. Putting the intellect over the emotions. And my sponsor helped me by telling me to think with my head and not my heart. And much of this was accomplished by applying spirituality to doing this. Asking my Higher Power for help. And learning to do this quickly and not delaying. I know, when I did stall or tripped over myself in these moments, I would end up almost overwhelmed. And then I would have to stop my day and start over again.
And all of this is a reminder to me that I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. I guess I’m more aware of this today, because I’m almost at my next anniversary. And when these come up I tend to be very open to what I’m going through. And reading about these difficulties in the past reminds me of what it is I often find myself involved with today. Just helping me to remember what the BB and those old timers told me about. They opened my mind to the fact that I’m still a human being and not a saint. The mind of an alcoholic like me can find itself drifting off into my old defects and tripping over them. And then I have to wake up and ask for help to get myself out of these. And I was told this would be with me the rest of my life and I have to learn how to deal with these things.
Anyway I never want to forget why I am here. I know there is no cure for alcoholism. Like all of us, I have to try to pay attention and not leave the present moment and project into the future. To stay in the day. I’m here to stay sober for today. Tomorrow is another day. It’s not now. And I need to continue to try to do the right thing. But like it tells us, we’re going to find ourselves stumbling until the day we die.
I’m grateful for all the help I have been given and know that I need to try to pay attention. So part of what I need to do is to express my gratitude in my prayers and meditation. And also I need to step out and freely give to others what was freely given to me.