Ah, once again a common fault among people like myself. Resentments. The consequence of unmet expectations.
From my experience in this program I have to wonder if I will ever see an end to these. However over the years there has been a significant improvement. Rarely do I find myself slipping into these. Whatever freedom I have found from resentments is the result of applying these 12 Steps to my life and the help of my higher power.
The reason I was thinking about resentments and expectations came from the subject of the meeting yesterday and a long conversation I had with an old friend in this program. Again it’s about sobriety. And there is nothing more a threat to my sobriety than this very thing: Resentments. Over the years I have seen the results of what resentments can do to the alcoholic. Too many going back to a drink and often dying as a conclusion to their drinking again.
The BB is right, when it talks about resentments, cutting us off from the sunlight of the spirit. Which tells me that the solution to resentments is spiritual. A need to surrender once again and let go and let God.
How often I have had expectations of people or situations I have faced, only to have my expectations not met and suffer the disappointments, which lead to anger born out of fear and stress. That kind of result leads to an overwhelming emotional turmoil, which governs what I think and how I feel and act. Like I said, I have gone through this and it was the Steps and the God of my understanding who relieved me of this burden. Unfortunately I have seen so many others, who have drank again as a result. How do I know this? I’ve talked to many, who told me what it was that led to the drink again. It was resentments.
The 10th Step always offers me a solution. The spiritual axiom, that whenever I’m disturbed there is something wrong with me. When I’m like that, I have to talk to someone with enough sobriety and experience in practicing this program, who is able to share with me their experiences with resentments. Then it’s possible for me to go back and find just what is wrong with me that led to the resentment I have.
Resentments by definition is my re-feeling the emotion I’m hanging onto. My anger being brought up over and over. Why I “believe” in the wrong others or situations have done me. It’s really a form of self pity, which I have often denied having. But there is a truth to that, which I have to accept.
Often projection is what sets me up for the fall. Planning something and then, instead of leaving it alone and staying in the day, I go down the road in my mind and that plants the seeds for what is to come.
How often someone has told me that they had expectations of a group in this program and someone shows up, who is sober, and they don’t like them for whatever reason and a resentment builds to such a point that, because the group didn’t meet their expectations they leave and don’t come back. After all, it’s the groups fault, since they let this person in. Then they get a resentment against the people, who seem to like whoever this person is. Sounds crazy, but that’s what has happened too many times.
How many times I can remember not being able to go to sleep because someone was occupying my mind and I was angry. They were probably sound asleep, because they weren’t even aware of me. How self centered resentments made me.
Anyway, I was thinking about not only the meeting, but my old friend. Just our talk made me aware of what it was that helped me deal with these. And how grateful it made me for my higher power and the program and the people in it, who have helped me stay sober and find peace of mind.