Ah, one of my many faults. Expectations and the result; anger and resentments. I fell into that trap this afternoon. And I now have to find out where I was wrong. Of course I don’t want to think I was wrong. But just the fact that I had expectations is the start.
I had started a thought on, of all things, willingness. To what lengths, as my sponsor asked me, back early on in seeking sobriety, was I willing to go to get sober? I’m sure, as best as I can remember, I said any lengths. And my best guess, based on how I was then, that I probably had reservations, which I was not about to let him know. I still had a lot to learn.
So, I spent about an hour or so composing this thought. When I finished I thought about putting it into a draft file, until I felt it was ready to send. That didn’t work. Something was wrong with my email service. So then I decided I’d just go ahead and mail it. Wrong. It vanished. And this is when all of this started.
I decided to go ahead and contact my email provider and ask what was wrong. When I entered my question at their contact point, I was provided with an “expert” and was told that if he answered it they expected me to pay almost $40 dollars for it. That did it. I got angry and developed a resentment.
Where I was wrong was in today’s society why did I build up expectations of either an answer or service of any kind? And I knew I had set a trap for myself. I found that I was blundering once again. It’s not whether or not it was their usual junk. Had I been thinking clearly, soberly, I would let it go and just pause and start over in composing my thoughts. What others do or don’t is really none of my business. It’s what I do or don’t do that’s important.
Talk about willingness. What am I willing to do to change? I definitely don’t want the results I got. And I did pray and ask for help with this. Now, it’s up to me to change my mind and dump this stuff from my mind. And that’s exactly what I’m doing now. By sharing my junk with others.
I know that, when I have expectations that’s an invitation to trouble. And I also know that resentments, anger, are dangerous for someone like me. I have witnessed too many members over the years, who have gone back out as a result of these very things, drank, got drunk and personally know that they died as a result. I came close to this just before I came in and never want to go there again.
And that brings me to something else I was talking to others about yesterday and today. Just because one has long time sobriety in this program doesn’t mean I’m done with my struggles. I still have the insanity of character defects. I’m far from perfect. I still struggle to get my self centered mind out of the way. I’m still working on being willing to go to any lengths. I know I need to stop thinking of myself and work toward willingness to seek some degree of humility. To put these Steps into action. To seek help from my Higher Power and the members in this program.
I’m so glad that I go to meetings and get to hear what helps me stay on the path. I’m happy that I get to talk and share with others like myself, whose experience, strength, and hope I can take in and help me grow along spiritual lines. I’m very grateful to the God of my understanding, my Higher Power, who has enabled and empowered me to live this sober life. And, after this dumb experience this afternoon, I can almost hear one of my friends yelling at me to wake up.
Still learning.