Had to stop this morning and think about the impossible. I mean that one of the greatest impossible things for me was my stopping drinking. I mean I thought I had tried everything I could, but couldn’t. Knew nothing about this program. Yet, in spite of myself, someone gave me hope and that led to a prayer, where I begged my Higher Power to help me stop and I did. Amazing.
That wasn’t me, as much as I wished I could conquer it myself. I had to accept and surrender. But it was the beginning.
Then I came into this program and had all these old feelings and thoughts. I was not friendly and thought I knew what it was I had to do. I didn’t want to listen to anyone. Like one old timer used to say, that he knew he wanted to control everything. But then I ran into old timers, who were wiling to change me. The first thing, which began that change were the words “Shut up!”. That angered me and I was about to respond, when suddenly this thought ran through my head, “This is good for you.” The thought was very quiet within me. I never knew where that came from, but there it was and it quieted me down inside.
Then I began to change. Still I was always surprised. I knew I was struggling within, but the changes continued in spite of me. And time took time. But over time I changed. And I still have to stop and look back in awe. It really wasn’t me, when I think about it. I mean I did what I had to do, but the changes, which brought about peace and happiness, serenity, a new way of thinking, a new way of life, kept on. All of this, as far as I can see, if I’m being honest with myself, is really a miracle.
I mean, I know, I did what I needed to do. I made the choices presented to me, but what brought about the results is what stuns me. In fact, in some cases, I was dragging my feet. Yet the amazing thing is that the restoration to sanity, the spiritual awakening came into my life in spite of me. The longer I stay here and do what’s in front of me, staying sober a day at a time, the more peace comes with it. Doesn’t mean that I don’t stumble and fumble, but, if I do what my sponsor told me to do, pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on keeping on, I keep on growing…like I said, in spite of myself.
Anyway, like I said, I had to stop this morning and think, when these thoughts came up. What my part in all of this is, I really don’t know. What I think I know, is that what my Higher Power gives me is a great part of all of this. What others have done for me in this program is also a great part of this. My part? I think I have to let go of that and just give thanks for all I have been given.