After the meeting today I was prompted to stop and think about willingness. What am I willing to do to stay sober? Sounds like an easy question and an easy answer. But maybe not.
The question today was about denial. And some talk about a closed mind. I had to ask myself about both of these things. How closed is my mind to some of what I know has kept me sober and has worked for me in the past? And what part of honesty has slipped into denial?
I was talking to a close friend today about this and both of us agreed that a lot of self righteousness has crept into our sobriety. I became aware of how fast my mind slams shut on some topics and things others have to say about their sobriety. Also, how quick I am to tell myself that’s not true. Denial. How I can tell myself I’m not doing that, when in fact I am.
After that inventory, I had to ask myself how willing am I to change what I found out. The answer was, not very. I think that it’s just sheer laziness on my part and I am going to have to accept that my answer was unacceptable. I realize that I have to make another change in my thinking and my attitude. I know that I can never afford to take my sobriety too lightly. I am still and alcoholic and haven’t been cured of what is wrong.
Anyway, I was thinking about this when I got home today. I found that when the word “denial” came to mind, that I didn’t want to think about it. Once again the door began to slam shut. I recognized that it was an old habit of mine; this matter of a closed mind. I know that denial is the same; an old habit of thinking. Like the drink, both of these defects, denial and a closed mind, are cunning, baffling, and powerful. Without help, as the BB says, they are too much for me.
Given enough time, I can deny anything is going on. And coupled with a closed mind, I can justify any of my thoughts or actions. Even a drink, as my past life has demonstrated to me time and time again. And that’s the point, isn’t it? I know it’s not safe for me to go into my head and justify anything. That’s what the program has taught me over and over again. I need to air this stuff out with someone else and listen to their take on my thinking. and become willing to turn it over to my higher power. To let the sunlight of the spirit shine on this kind of dark thinking. Kind of like letting the sunlight shine in on mildew and killing it.
I have too much to be grateful for, as a result of this program, not to become willing to try to make the necessary changes in my life, in order to stay sober.