Coming out of a store today, I was driving out of the parking lot and stopped at a 4 way stop sign. The place was packed with cars waiting their turn. When my turn came, in my haste and not paying attention, I found myself going up over the curb and bouncing into the oncoming lane and had to clumsily pull the car back on course. After a few curse words at myself, I realized how embarrassing this was. Everyone in every car watching what I had done. And then I had an epiphany.
It was my emotional response, of which I suddenly was aware. In similar situations, not just the car, but when I am faced with my clumsiness or my words, that I am embarrassed and the next thing is my response to it. This, and similar situations, is what introduces my character defects into action. At these moments I am cut off from the sunlight of the spirit.
This is the unmanageability of the 1st Step. I have never seen it so clearly. And the only reason I was able to see this was a meditation I was caught up with, just before I went to the store. I was listening to a man, not an alcoholic, who was talking about this very kind of thing, while talking about our relationship with our higher power. At that moment this all happened, I was blocked by my reaction and response from my higher power.
Had I continued with my reaction and response, I would have been on the verge of lacking mental and emotional sobriety. For that moment I had lost my spiritual contact with a higher power and was operating on my own unaided strength alone.
This may seem an over stated lapse, but it, taken to the extremes like rage or despair, is what has cost so many their sobriety. Certainly it seems a small lapse, but it is the same process, which can lead to the next drink. Just seeing that made me realize just what that process is.
This is the kind of stuff Bill W. was talking about in the 8th Step in the 12&12. He tells us that sometimes deep emotional conflicts, long forgotten, persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of these occurrences that our emotions were violently twisted and discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse. That certainly describes my drinking life.
The man I was listening to said exactly the same thing. He said that, as adults, we don’t remember this stuff, but our emotions always remember. When similar or near similar occurrences take place, no matter how rationally we may seem to be thinking, bang! Our emotional response does. Our character defects spring into action.
Is there a solution for this? Of course.
Anyway, while I am thinking about this, I thought that spelling it all out is worth the time for me. Not being aware is the curse of the alcoholic. Like one man said back a while ago, awareness is one of the keys to the spiritual life. And the spiritual life is the foundation to my sobriety.