Talking to an old friend today, after the meeting, I was reminded by him of a message my old sponsor passed on to me. I was always responding to things he said to me with “I know”. He would respond by saying to me, “No, you don’t know”. He told me that everytime I said that I was negating what she had just told me. It was then he told me that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I knew.
Had I continued thinking that way, there was no doubt that I was probably headed for a drink again, even though I thought I would never drink again. Never say never, he told me.
Later on, while reading the Dr’s. Opinion, I saw for the first time what was wrong with me. The Doctor said that in our active alcoholism we finally reached a point where we could no longer distinguish between the true and the false. That was me. It fit me to a “T”. I had lost almost all of rational thinking. And I brought that state of mind into the program.
One of the things, I finally realized, was that the concept of being powerless had escaped me. That’s about when the idea of the 2nd Step began to come into play. I needed something greater than myself to empower me to live a sober life. I knew I was powerless, but I really didn’t know I was powerless. It never occured to me that I just might return to a drink again, because that’s exactly what it means to be an alcoholic. I desperately needed something in my life to prevent this from happening; a power greater than myself. “I know”, was going to keep me ignorant and possibly dead from my alcoholism.
The solution was to surrender absolutely. I “thought” I had. The truth was that I couldn’t distinguish between the true and the false. The wonderful thing was that there was a solution.
I came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I need that reinforced in my mind each day. I never think about a drink, except at meetings, reading the BB, and doing what I am doing at this moment. Thank God, I have these things to remind me of who and what I am.
Anyway, I was sitting here and thinking about our conversation today and being grateful for the opportunity to be reminded of what is true in my life and what is false. I’m still learning.