What is it that keeps me sober today? I was thinking about this. Anyway, for me it is the spiritual life, which is the underpinning of my life and my sobriety. The discovery of a higher power in my life, which I never conceived of until I came into this program. It is the 12 Steps, which brought about such a change in me, as a result of a spiritual awakening and finally a conscious contact with the God of my understanding.
We talked about rigorous honesty today. I know, or think I know, that I probably have never been rigorous about anything in my life. Just like I know, when it says to let go absolutely, that I have never, or think I never, have done anything absolutely. Those to me are ideals. Something to aim for and work toward, but may never be accomplished in my lifetime. Aim higher than the target, as Bill suggests. And , if I do aim higher, I may come closer to that target.
The point is to try. Just like it says to try to help another alcoholic. To try to practice these principles in all of my affairs. It’s the trying, the willingness, which I need to aim for. One very spiritual man talks about this. He talks about our willingness. We may not feel willing, but our feelings don’t matter, as long as we do it. Just do it, as he said. That’s what the program is for me. Just doing it. Doing it everyday. Not perfectly. Imperfectly.
I may miss the mark, but it’s not half as important, as doing it in spite of that. To get up everyday and try to apply myself to this program. I know that, if I do that, that I can and do stay sober. Whether I’m aware of it or not, it is to me evidence of the maintenance of my spiritual condition. That I was told was what my sobriety depends upon each day.
I’m not always aware or know that this is really what is going on. I only know that I have the hope and the belief that it is. Like I said, I see the evidence, if I haven’t taken a drink. If I haven’t returned to that alcoholic life.
For me the spiritual life is a life of imperfection. I often reflect on what St. Paul once said. That which I would not do, I do. And that which I would do, I do not. It’s the spiritual life of a human being. And, in my case, that of an alcoholic. Most imperfect, but do-able. Imperfect but sober. And grateful.