An old timer once said that, if you wait 24 hours you will be right. I will be justified in anything I may be thinking. Justification is a hazard for me, I know. It can get me back to a drink. Maybe not today, but eventually. I’m talking to myself about resentments.
A resentment can come so subtly in my mind that I will think I don’t have it. The reason I say that is that I saw several examples of it this week. They made me go back and think and take an inventory. I did and discovered how unwittingly I had let a couple of resentments creep into my mind.
I was at a meeting today and as I looked around I realized that there were a couple of people, who attended this group on a fairly regular basis, whom I really don’t like. I never thought I resented them, because I guess I told myself that I was being tolerant. Really? It was then that I decided that I needed to take that inventory. What I discovered was that I did have some resentments. Having waited that 24 hours I had become justified in my judgment of them. How crazy is that?
I thought about that and I realized that they really don’t like me. When I, being so “tolerant” on my part, have deigned to speak to them, they have walked past me and ignored me. That very fact only increased my “justification”. It closed my mind like a bear trap. Bang! It was an open and shut case. I also realized that what they do is none of my business. I need to mind my own business.
Now here is the hard part. I know that having a resentment is falling into what Bill W. called the number one killer of alcoholics. I believe this, because I have talked to some, who have gone back out and drank over resentments they had come up within groups they attended. The worst part is that the effects of taking that drink again was the direct cause of their deaths. In fact, as I write this, a sudden memory popped into my head. A man came to me one day and told me this very story. He was dead within a short time of telling me that, as a result of his going back out.
What makes me so different than him? Or the others? Their only problem was that they were alcoholics. So am I. Doesn’t matter how smart I think I am. I’m still powerless over alcohol, as were they. That’s the real problem.
The solution is that I need to surrender once again to First Step and to put the rest of this program into action. When it comes to resentments I go back to the story in the BB Freedom From Bondage. The woman who wrote that spells out a formula for resentments near the end of her story. And the key for this is the key for everything in this program: Willingness.
I never want to drink again and I’m willing to be done with the practice of justification. Justification is just another name for self righteousness.
I know that a resentment can grow and become hardened over time. It can weaken my resolve to stay sober. I don’t want that to happen to me. I also know that action is the name of the game. That’s the next step.