Sometimes I have to pause and think to myself, what are you doing? I mean, here I come home and sit down and talk to myself about things that I think are important. Sometimes not so important, but enough with some merit.
Often I have to open myself up to look down within. And what do I find? Somethings which are some of the problems I came in with. Why are they still there after all this time? If I knew, I would probably tell myself. My best guess is that maybe they need to be there, because I need to know that no matter how far I think I have come, or how much I may tell myself I have achieved, the truth is that I am still just a garden variety alcoholic, stumbling and bumbling my way along this path. I like what Bill said to Nancy S., I’m just another drunk, just like you. That pretty much describes me.
I sit in meetings and listen to others talk and sometimes envy their progress. At least some of the time. At times I’m struck by how well some express themselves. And when it comes to my time to speak, I talk, but wonder why I said what I said. It’s then I wish I hadn’t spoke or that I should have said such and such, rather than what I did. I feel so dumb at times.
According to the number of years in this program, I guess I’m supposed to be one of those old timers. I laugh to myself, when I think about that. I think I should have something to say or offer to those in the room, but it doesn’t seem that way to me. I remember the old timers, when I came in. Men and women, who gave a good example of what sobriety is all about, and were able to help alcoholics like me to get sober. They were tough, but kind. They were direct in how they weren’t interested in how I felt, but interested in what I was willing to do to stay sober. Most of them are gone, but their memory is still fresh in my mind. I wish I had what they had.
However, as a result of being exposed to them, I have found I have been given good foundation in the Steps and the Traditions. Most of the time the Promises are present in my life. Often, when I pause and examine how I’m really doing, I am able to see how much at peace I am, and how often I experience serenity within. I can also say that I am reasonably happy most of the time.
Anyway, I was reflecting on this today. As I did, I was reminded of the old Paul Simon album Still Crazy After All These Years. I might well be crazy, but I’m still sober after all these years. I think that’s great, because that’s exactly why I came here; to get sober and stay sober.