How human we are. Subject to all the strengths and weaknesses we possess. But then, we can be possessed by them.
No wonder we fall down and fail so often, while attempting to walk this path to a spiritual life. The problem for me, as I see it, is that I forget to fortify myself with the grace my higher power gives me and I allow my emotions and my feelings to take charge and bang! I fall flat on my face.
Why am I surprised? But often I am. I forget what this program has taught me. To get back up and dust myself off and get on with the next thing in front of me. Often I end up mulling all this stuff over and over. Some twisted notion in my head tells me I need to beat myself up. I know a lot of alcoholics, who do the same thing. Must be we get some perverse pleasure out of this.
I know that I need to practice forgiving myself. My old sponsor once told me that God forgives me, man forgives me, but I failed to forgive myself. My ego and my false pride tells me that I should forgive everyone but myself. And that’s where the Tenth Step has to come in. Then the Eleventh. Especially coming to try to understand God’s will for me. Attempting to make that conscious contact with God and asking the God of my understanding to give me the power to forgive myself.
I’m not talking about awful things. Sometimes it’s just my thinking. But when it comes to that thinking, to turn it around. To think positive and be grateful for where I am today. Sober. When I stop and do that very thing, I can find myself amazed that I have been able to stay sober through all these years. I know that it’s not dependent on me, but the group and my higher power. Nevertheless amazing.
Anyway I was thinking about this after having talked to a number of people, who were struggling with this kind of thing. I told them we all do. We’re all the same. Alcoholics and often suffering from being human. Imperfect at best and yet still on a spiritual path, if we continue to try to practice this program.