Every once in a while life lays burdens on us all. Burdens we didn’t expect. The problem with these is what we expect of others and ourselves.
I had to think about this today, when I got a call telling me we had a family emergency and could I help. Hmmm. Of course I could try. But I had to pause before I did. Fortunately I was with another man from the program and we talked as I began to make phone calls.
As we talked, I was reminded of a number of things I had gone through in the past in sobriety. The truth was that none of this was new. It just appeared new, because it was today. Our talk led me back through past experiences. As it did, I could see how limited I was. Powerless over, not just alcohol, but people, places, and things.
I remembered from years past, when I would go through things, just like Bill W. described. How he would slip into a depression because of his faulty dependency on people, who would let him down, and circumstances, when they failed him.
I used to record my thoughts in a journal. I did that for a number of years in the program. I recalled one day, when I was in the same place Bill often found himself in, and I was writing an entry in the journal, when something made me stop. I looked at what I had written and thought how familiar it seemed. I went back and checked out several journals and found I had gone through the same thing a number of times. Not only that, each time I had gone through this dip down into the “blues”, I had written not only the same thoughts, but the same words.
It was that discovery that began a major change in my sober life and sober thinking. Just seeing that told me that I not only had to change, but that I could change, and I did.
Life can be frustrating, if I let it. Such frustrations can bring the onset of emotional storms, which if let run wild, could very well lead me back to a drink. I know that, because I have seen the same thing happen to others.
I have no expectations on myself that I can change anything. I can try, but then I have to let go of it. It’s my willingness to put some effort into seeking the solution. But I’m not the solution. Nor am I capable of changing anything, which resists change, or cannot be changed.
What I can do is to do the footwork and then turn the rest over to my higher power. Talking to another alcoholic like myself, and then praying to the God of my understanding and leaving it in His hands. His will, not mine. My will has so often led to some miserable outcomes.
Anyway, after that phone call, and the results from the calls I made, I just had to stop and take stock of where I am. Where am I? I’m sober today and glad of it. Happy to be in this program and with all the people in it. Consolation and comfort in spite of the burdens this world can apply. I am so grateful for this program, which gave me my sobriety and helps me daily to maintain it.