Dependency. That word has so many meanings, depending on the context in which it is used. Bill W. talked about his faulty dependencies. Dependencies we all have. I know that I do. Much of what I depend upon is often driven by self centered fears. The fears, which we are told are the ones that set off our character defects.
No, the dependency I was thinking about today is my dependency on a higher power. The Second Step. The chapter in the BB We Agnostics. Coming to believe in a power greater than myself. Seeking the restoration to sanity. A sanity I had lost in my dependency on alcohol.
In reading bits of this today, I came across the story of the man, who had lost all hope. In total despair, and sick to death from drinking, he was presented with Bill’s story by Bill. He didn’t believe. And then suddenly he asked the key question many of us I know have asked ourselves. Who are you to say there is no God?
Bill tells us the man fell to his knees and was not only restored to faith, but he was also restored to sanity. The alcohol problem was gone and never came back. Then he tells us that we’ve all been restored to sanity. Those of us, who have achieved sobriety.
The thing that caught my eye in this story was what Bill said about that except for a few moments of temptation the thought of a drink had not come back. I can say that I had that one moment, but it was relieved by prayer. No, what I was thinking is that we all have those moments when we waver, not just about alcohol, but in faith, in our dependency.
I’ve talked to a lot of people over time in this program. I’ve heard a lot of their stories and listened to what disturbs them. Of course they have returned the favor an listened to me. But there is a common thread. It concerns faith and their dependency on a higher power in their lives. I’ve discovered, from my own experience and those I have talked to, that faith and dependency is not always a consistent thing.
As I was thinking about this today, I had to pause. Here I am in a sane state, as far as alcohol is concerned. And so are those people with whom I have talked. And it occurred to me that what is consistent in my life and theirs is the evidence that, no matter how we think or feel, our state and condition remains the same. We’re still in a position of neutrality as far as alcohol is concerned. We have been restored to sanity and remain so. The God of my understanding is consistent even when I’m not.
I looked back into my past in this program and can see how my higher power, despite my plans, actions, and thoughts, has cared for me and brought me to this point in time; sober. No matter what occurred over this period of time, good and “bad”, I’m still being taken care of, often in spite of myself.
I had to stop and be grateful to the God of my understanding and to think of all those in this program, who have reached out and helped me through all of this. This is my higher power on whom I depend.