We’re told that when we come in we have been suffering from a spiritual malady. What is that? The word malady refers to a disease, an ailment, or a disorder. One definition is an unwholesome condition. That sure describes what was wrong with me, when I arrived at the doors of AA.
At the very least I had an unwholesome condition. But it was more than that. When Dr. Jung talked to that young man he treated, whose story is in the BB, he told him that his religious convictions were not enough. Bill refers to this same theme in Step Two in the 12&12. That, if we did have faith, it wasn’t the quantity we had, but the quality we lacked. The difference between belief and faith.
I may have had belief, but lacked sufficient faith.
The malady itself I believe left myself and so many others I know with more than just the need to get over my drinking. It had produced a host of problems within me. Things both mental and emotional for which I needed relief. Everything from anger to phobias. Fears of all sorts within myself.
When Dr. Scott Peck wrote the book The Road Less Traveled, he talked about the efficacy of psychiatry and psychology. He said that neither was able to cure or heal our problems. There would always be scars within us left over from our traumas. But, he did say that even these scars could be removed by practice of a spiritual life.
Today I was talking to someone in the program about the story in the BB entitled The Man Who Mastered Fear. I remember reading that story, when I was new and it had a deep effect on my sobriety. In his story he tells about the fears and phobias, which had plagued him for years, let alone his inability to stop drinking. Then one day, after he had been staying with Dr. Bob and his wife, he was going to have to leave, which panicked him more. He got out of bed and knelt down and turned it all over to the God of his understanding. He fell asleep and awoke an hour later to what he described as “a new world”. He said that “nothing had changed and yet everything had changed”.
Since my coming here, I can testify to what he said. Not once or twice, but many, many times. The answer to the spiritual malady I and others, whom I have talked to over the years, did not come overnight. It took time and effort on my part and the same for others I know. If faith can move mountains, we are told, bring a shovel. It’s through the practice of these Twelve Steps that the many spiritual awakenings I have experienced has come to change what was wrong with me. My spiritual malady.
I’m not done yet, but at least on the road. Sober and still changing.
I was thinking about how everything had changed, but nothing had changed.