What’s going on about me is not as important as what is going on inside of me. I’m not talking about my penchant to be self centered. What I’m thinking about is what it is that excites me. What it is that drives me.
For instance, at meetings, I listen to what’s being said and I’m able to get something out of each meeting I attend. It’s because, I think, that it adds something to what’s there within. It hardly bores me ever. Almost always I’m reminded of something I need to do to continue along this path to sobriety and happiness.
How did this happen? I believe it was from the direction of my sponsor and what I witnessed in those old timers I knew back then.
They seemed to have something that I wanted. I wanted to be sober like they were, but I also wanted what they had. It was something almost indefinable. In my thinking, it was spiritual. Even though they were plain spoken and down to earth. It was there.
I look back and ask myself why I feel the way I do. The only thing I can come up with is the fact that I do think about what it is I was given when I came in. I saw those old timers, no matter what else was in their lives, truly were dedicated to the AA program. They talked about and studied the BB. They talked about the Steps. They studied and had meetings on the Twelve Traditions. I even remembered them speaking about meetings as an opportunity for meditation. I guess I became just like them.
My guess as to why they were that way was that these were men were hard drinkers in their active alcoholism. Most of them I knew had hard bottoms. I could identify with that. They were grateful for what they found in this program and the freedom from alcohol. I was, also.
There was something else, which I experienced with these men and women. There was a closeness in all that we did. After meetings there was a lot of gatherings in the homes and in the kitchens, where what I was learning continued on. A lot of driving distances to meetings in crowded cars, where the talk went on about the program.
I would have to say that it developed a love for this program and the alcoholics in it. Enthusiasm is the word that comes to mind. I have never forgotten that and it continues within me today.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today. It really is the friendships, which seemed to grow from the generosity of those with whom I was associated. It gives me the feeling of what an honor and a privilege it is to be a member of AA.