Today I was reading The Twenty Four Hours a Day book for this date. One of the things it was talking about was our weaknesses. That was pretty much what a good friend of mine and I were talking about this morning.
Of course it talked about finding strength in our weakness. Possible?
And it was referring to alcohol. Of course. That was one weakness over which I had no power. It asked us to go back and examine whether or not I ever thought about all the aspects of my drinking alcohol. Have I? I believe I have.
I certainly did when I came in here. The first thing I did was to read the Doctor’s Opinion. I was desperate to know what was wrong with me. Why was it that I could not stop drinking? I thought it was because I was weak willed and just plain crazy. Maybe immorality. And then I read about the disease concept. The physical nature of this disease. Just as suddenly I felt all this pressure within me lifting and going out of me. At last I understood. What a relief.
The more I read and the more I heard in meetings and talking to other alcoholics, the more I was convinced that I was totally and absolutely powerless over alcohol. Every symptom I read or heard described was mine.
I know it states that alcohol is but a symptom. I think it was at least equal in me. All I know is that I drank and could not stop drinking no matter what I did. I heard many, who said they went out to get drunk. I don’t think I ever did. I just wanted to drink. I was literally driven to drink and the result was I got drunk. Over, and over, and over for years. Almost everyday for twenty years or more. The “fun” I had with it disappeared in the first couple of years and my slide down into hell began. By the end I was in total blackness within. Total insanity and despair.
Thank God for this program. It saved my life and what sanity I have today. Thank God for Bill W. and Dr. Bob and all those old timers, who conceived of this program, authored the BB and the 12 Steps and Traditions. Thank God for my sponsor and all those men and women I knew back then and those I know today. And thank God for the God of my understanding, my higher power. This is the strength I have found. Without all this, I would have nothing. With all this I have sobriety, a sober way of living. Peace and happiness beyond my wildest alcoholic dreams. Freedom from alcohol.
Have I found strength in my weakness? Well, first of all I know I never earned this opportunity to be sober at the start. It all happened as I reached out blindly to a God I prayed to that last night. Any strength I have is in all those I just mentioned above. What I do have is hope, faith, and trust in the people, the program, and my higher power. Finally I have a desire not to drink. I don’t ever want to drink alcohol ever again. If that’s strength, I don’t know. If strength is developed from exercise and practice, I guess maybe. Because everyday I draw another breath, I try to put this program into practice and action of some sort.
Again, still thinking about sobriety.