Just had a revelation, as I was attempting to write my thoughts or meditation. I finished one rather hurried thought and was attempting to send it to the man, who handles my site. I wasn’t really satisfied, but it was what I had for the day. And then the web site I use to write my emails couldn’t seem to get it off and eventually lost it.
Part of that I now know was my impatience. The longer it took, the more upset I became. And finally, when the email was lost I attempted to write to my email site and just wrote some angry and silly junk. And when I calmed down and did a Tenth Step I could see exactly where I was wrong.
Part of it was from what I had written to send out. After I finished it I was totally uncertain that I should send it. But I did anyway. I think unconsciously I was irritated with what I had written and a contest was going on under the surface. An argument with myself. And I wasn’t aware at the moment that I was losing the argument. But the slow delivery gave me a chance to blame someone else for what was wrong with me.
Not the least bit amazing. I’m sure this has happened over time in this program where I want to blame someone for what is wrong with me. Talk about ego and self centered behavior. And there it is. And the spiritual axiom jumped right out. Whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us. Boy, was that obvious.
But now, as I sit here thinking about this, it becomes obvious how much this program works, if I will work it. A friend of mine, one of the many I had the privilege of talking to today, and I talked about this very thing. The spiritual answer. The solution, which is right there in front of me all the time, if only I will persevere. Not quit and keep on trying no matter how or when I stumble.
As I sit and think about this I am convinced that no matter what that my Higher Power has been right there all the time. When my ego gets in the way I can quickly lose sight of that and forget to turn it over and ask for help. Not a great idea for an alcoholic like me. I’ve run across this same thing over and over in the past in here. And each time I’ve had to stop and change direction with the help of the God of my understanding. Often times, if I have the opportunity to share this with another alcoholic, I am helped to be made aware of where I went wrong. But the late hour makes that inappropriate. Besides, I got a quick blow to my brain that woke me up to where I was wrong.
Anyway, it sounds strange to me to say this, but I am grateful that this happened. It woke me up to the fact of how tired and confused I have been lately. No excuses. Just is. Need to practice what it says in the BB. That eternal vigilance is the price of our sobriety. I need to pay attention and not drift off into complacency.
Glad I am sober and can correct the wrongs and keep the hope I have been given, the faith, which has resulted from the hope becoming a reality, and the love, which has come to be. Willing to act in gratitude to practice these principles in all of my affairs and to help another alcoholic.