Interesting. I’m sitting here and examining my thoughts and feelings. The reason for that is that yesterday I had a delayed reaction to somethings which were said in a meeting. Last night I became aware that I was beginning to be disturbed. This morning, as I was attempting to meditate there were those feelings beginning to grow, as thoughts began to take over the quiet. Then in the meeting today, they began to come back and I was aware that my temper was starting to take over.
What’s so interesting is that I was talking about letting go of our feelings, when talking about fear and courage. Intellect over emotions came up in my talk and my mind. Thinking with my head and not my heart. But it was afterward that the irritating thoughts came back up again. And there it was, my feelings coming back up.
Just a demonstration of what I know to be the truth. I’m part of the human condition, as is everyone else in this world. Particularly alcoholics like myself. I can do what I was doing this morning and at the meeting, getting quiet and practicing the Eleventh Step, and Bang! My faults coming back into the picture.
I was told a long time ago to put watchdogs around my mind so that my emotions, my feelings, wouldn’t rush the gates and take over my mind. Much like my sponsor told me. And that works, if I’m aware. Often I have found out that I can be fully conscious, but forget. How easy that is, even though I may know that the possibility of such a malfunction taking place is right in front of me, as it was yesterday. That’s when I know I must do whatever is necessary.
And what is of necessity is my going ahead and appealing to my Higher Power for help with this. Having the trust and the faith, the hope, that I will be relieved of the weight my falling back into my faults again. To be able to drop the feelings right where they are and move on. And that’s where I am at present. In fact had another interference popped up and I have to do the same with that. That kind of day.
Anyway, just thinking about the practice of these spiritual principles in all of my affairs. A feeling of failure in one sense, and then the realization of how perfect this is for someone like me. To be once more humbled by who and what I am. To be brought down to reality and be able to see myself in relation to this program and the spiritual life. Being able to stay sober in spite of myself. To be aware of how much I really depend on my Higher Power and the impact these Twelve Steps still have on my life today. And to be grateful for all that’s happened, both the good and the bad, because it’s what led to my getting sober and staying sober.