One word that came to mind today is probably one of the most important. The word is “willingness”. Why is it so important to someone like me? Because without it I probably wouldn’t be here.
The reason it came up to me today was the topic about memories of the past. Heavy subject, which I know we all have suffered from, especially early on in the program. Sometimes even today, years later.
We’re told that we will not wish to forget the past nor close the door on it. And here’s where willingness comes in big time. How difficult a lot of those memories were for me. I even did the Fourth and Fifth Steps in the first three or four months in this program, because I was so weighted down with guilt and remorse. I felt that if I didn’t do this I might drink again.
What am I willing to do? Am I willing to follow directions. To remember and not forget all that awful stuff from my past? What I did or didn’t do, while I was out there drinking? Tough decisions to say the least. I listened to others talking about this today. Their struggles with this and their successes in overcoming the guilt and remorse. The awful memories. And then their finally becoming willing to remember and then use these awful things to share and help others.
Willingness was the key to so much in this program for me. The willingness to open my heart and mind and listen to what was necessary for me to stay sober. Willingness to begin to work these Steps. The willingness to change my way of thinking and begin to practice the spiritual way of living. All this and more that I became willing to do.
I remember how I finally became willing to work with others. To help another alcoholic. To become willing to be honest and share with them. Also to be willing to relate and reach out to others in my life other than just alcoholics. The family, the neighborhood, the people I worked with. All this was difficult for an alcoholic like myself. But I became willing, because I wanted to stay sober and to grow along spiritual lines.
As I grew in this program in sobriety and willingness to change, my mind and heart did become more open. I not only began to outgrow the past, but I found some real comfort in the realization how valuable all the past was to me. Because of my past, both bad and good, I am here. Sober. It was my past, which opened the door for me to come into this program, which saved my life and gave me the opportunity to get sober. Truth is I am now grateful for that. And all because somehow I found the willingness to do what I needed to and to change my life.