What do I know? Really. That’s a good question, which was brought up in a meeting today and in a conversation later. The truth is that I really know nothing, or at least what I do know is limited. Has a lot to do with sobriety.
What’s really going on? My ego, that’s what. And think about that and my sobriety.
The truth is that the ego really doesn’t exist. It’s really a fantasy, which everyone creates within themselves. The problem is that it’s impossible to destroy. It’s in place and doesn’t want to go away now that it’s in charge of us. The real me is probably never going to be found. As long as my ego is in the way of getting to it.
A few of us were talking about that today. Dr. Harry Tiebout, the psychiatrist friend of AA early on, talks about this in his writings. How the ego is in charge of us. Especially in the alcoholic. Our egos are what drive us. His recommendation was ego deflation in depth. This is necessary for this alcoholic. I know, if I want to stay sober and grow along spiritual lines, that I have to find a way to get me out of the way. Problem is that I keep stumbling over myself.
And that’s where the Twelve Steps come in. Through them, learning to surrender myself and to start practicing humility. That started back in that First Step, when I finally surrendered and had to accept that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. To admit and accept that truth. Then to begin to surrender again. This time in the Second Step. To come to accept a Power greater than myself. To cut my ego down to size and to get out of the driver’s seat in the Third Step and go to the back of the bus. I’m no longer running the show, if I want to stay sober.
One of the hardest things I found I had to do, when I came in, was to admit that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. To be told that and that I was educated beyond my intelligence was ego deflating for sure. But in time I was finally able to accept that. The problem is that, when I forget, my pride, my ego wants to come back and take over again. That’s when I want to control and run things and find myself running into a brick wall. Once again having to back off and surrender once more.
Like the Doctor said, ego deflation in depth. Humility. Learning to rely on my Higher Power, renewing that hope I found in the beginning and strengthening the faith, which followed from the realization of hope coming true. I had hoped I could get sober and I did.
Another thing I learned in here, the longer I stay sober the less I know. Hopefully that’s the result of some kind of humility I have acquired in this program. The culmination of some kind of spiritual growth. The fulfillment of hope I have learned to keep alive. And of course the faith, which grows out of that.
Anyway, when I got home I needed to take some time out to sit down and meditate on this. Glad I did.