When I stop and take time to seriously think about my life and where I am, I sometimes find myself amazed. I mean here I have a serious disease called alcoholism, which has cost the lives and sanity of so many people. I should have been dead years ago, but here I still am alive and sober.
Every once in a while, sometimes almost daily, I find it pays off for me to stop and think about sobriety. That’s why I’m here. And to me it’s a miracle. Talk about the statement beyond our wildest dreams. Sobriety is it for me.
Today I ran into some stuff and found myself doing what I never used to do. There was a time when I would find myself wanting to argue. Wanting to run my mouth seeking to get my way. Selfish and resentful. Full of sarcasm.Today something came up, which caused me a lot of trouble within. And the miracle for me is that I kept my mouth shut. I never betrayed a thought or feeling and treated the other person as if everything was all right. It was touch and go, but I have found myself able to often smile and walk away from something which at one time I would at least have formed a resentment.
Moreover during this period I found myself doing something I know I should, which I never ever did before. I prayed. I sought to come to peace within. That is what this program has done for me. It’s brought about changes in my relationships with others for the good. A sense of compassion and understanding I never used to have. Doesn’t mean that there aren’t occasions I can find myself slipping back. I’m still human. Definitely not a saint. But even then it’s not as bad as it used to be.
Today I was able to do something asked of me that at one time would have caused me to become an emotional wreck and do the same to others. If from nothing else just my attitude. I would have dived into fear and worry, anxiety, and anger to cover all of this from myself and others. I had to stop and think about this afterward. Not that this hasn’t become a general practice with me and others, but I had enough time today to step back and think about it.
In the past there was a time when this would have driven me to a bar and a binge. Drunken insanity. And something I learned in here was that I was going to have to change, if I wanted to stay sober and never drink again. That’s what makes me pause in amazement from time to time. And all of this because my sponsor stopped me and got me to open my mind and my heart to the concept of a spiritual way of life. In fact I remember reading about that in the BB. I was always amazed and filled with hope, when I read There Is A Solution.
From time to time my mind takes me back to that moment in time, when Dr. Carl Jung talked to that young alcoholic, whom he said had the mind of a chronic alcoholic. Just reading that told me that was me. That’s exactly what I had become and I knew as I read the solution he offered him was my also my way to sobriety. It gave me so much hope I still can’t describe it. Just know what it did for me.
Anyway, just had to sit and think about this. I hope I never lose the consciousness I know I need to have in order to stay sober and enjoy this way of life I have found in here. And I know that I have to stop and express my gratitude to my Higher Power for all that he has done for me. Also to remember to at least feel the gratitude I have for all who have helped me in this program…and even outside who have also contributed. And then act that gratitude out with helping others when possible.