Reading the Twelfth Step in the 12&12 brought up something I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about, but it’s there whether I like to admit it or not. Instincts. Desires for things like money, relationships, and much more. The kind of stuff which can block sobriety out of our minds.
I know when I was out there drinking this stuff was not in front of my mind much at all. It was alcohol which occupied my mind. I was so desperate for a drink all the time that nothing else was in the way. Insane, when I come to think about it. Security and family and a lot more were lost in the process of drinking alcohol.
Yet, when I came into this program to get sober, it took a while to wake up to the reality of living. When I did, I began to recognize the world around me. I had a family, whom I had ignored, and a lot of other things. Like a job and the economic needs of my family and my wants which began to become clearer to me as time went on. Whether I like to admit it or not I find they’re still there egging my character defects out of hiding.
All this sometimes is what brings up things like projections and worry and anxiety. It also is what stirs up other emotions such as anger and resentments and a whole lot of other things. It often may get in the way of going to meetings and working with other alcoholics. I know because I have run into these things in this program. I know that I’ve seen it happen to others in this program and take them back to a drink again. If I’m paying attention I will hear and see it from time to time.
Often what has stirred these instincts to get in my way are finances. I can get so much of that in my head that it blocks out what I am supposed to be doing in here. For one thing living a spiritual way of life. Difficult to pray and meditate when my mind is somewhere else. Absorbed in worry and frustrations. I know that I have to stop and go back and begin to practice what I have learned in here and that takes discipline. Something I have to remember and put into action.
That’s what makes me go back and put my Tenth Step into action on a daily basis. Can I face the truth about myself and do what is necessary to put these things into the control of my Higher Power? Facing the fact that I’m not in control. To get my ego and it’s wants and desires out of the picture and putting things back into proportion. The key to my life today is my staying sober. I need to remember who is in charge. And it’s definitely not me.
I need to remember why I came into this program. It was to stop drinking and stay stopped. If I find my instincts taking over again I probably will begin to justify complacency in my life. I will begin to think that I’m in charge and don’t need the meetings. I will forget that I can’t do this by myself.
My responsibility is to stay sober a day at a time and to put these principles I have learned and obtained into practice. I learned that a long time ago. At the same time I also learned that I only have this day to do what I have to. I was told a long time ago, also, that when I find myself caught up in things like my instinctual desires that I can stop my day and start it over again. That was one of the things my sponsor and those old timers insisted that I learn and practice on a daily basis.
Funny thing that I should pick up the 12&12 and find myself reminded of the last thing I need in my life which are my instincts dominating me and my program. Good reminder to me of why I am here and what I need to do in the twenty-four hours I have. I need to do what I was told to do. I need to turn my will and my life over to the God of my understanding each and everyday. To start my day off by dedicating it to my staying sober. To bring my Higher Power into the picture and to get to a meeting to be reminded of what it is that I often forget. And to get things in my life into perspective.
Anyway it reminded me to stop and think about my sobriety.