It is really amazing how much meetings can restore our minds and our hearts, when we find ourselves drifting and seemingly lost in our thinking and our emotions. I heard some of this in the meeting today and was reminded of how much we all value these meetings. Or why else would any of us be there day after day?
I know that I have often said this before, about how often I can forget something which has worked for me. Something I know I need. And it’s at meetings that I get the opportunity to hear what those things are. When I do hear them I know a sense of calmness comes over me. It’s a signal to me that I’m getting what I need.
Today we had two topics. The solution and working the Tenth Step. And, of course, the solution for me is spiritual. And working the Tenth Step is probably what I need on a daily basis. Nothing complicated. In fact what those old timers told me, to keep it simple.
What makes the Tenth Step so simple for me is the spiritual axiom, that no matter what the cause, whenever we’re disturbed there is something wrong with us. As much as I rejected this for quite a while in here, while I was seeking to justify everything I thought and did, it finally came home to me how absolutely right this axiom is. I was to learn how I need to let go of whoever or whatever is the cause. It’s me that is spiritually in the wrong place. I know that, if I want to experience the peace this program offers me, I’m going to have to put this into practice.
The one goal I need to arrive at in practicing this Tenth Step is to learn how to get rid of one of the most dangerous of my defects. That’s my anger leading to resentments. I realize from the awful experience of others I have witnessed, drinking again and dying as a result. Like the BB tells me that this kind of anger followed by resentments is what cuts us off from the sunlight of the spirit. That tells me that I need to act on these things as quickly as possible and that’s what the Tenth Step offers me. I was glad to hear others who told how they took care of those things today.
One of the things I remember reading in the BB about this is that for people like me there is no such thing as justifiable anger. What a blow that was to my ego. My self centered thinking. I always believed that my anger was always right on the money. Having to never believe that anymore was difficult for me. But over time in here and my experiences and those of others I have come to see the truth of that. A chronic alcoholic like myself has no defense against my anger and my resentments. My justifying my anger is blind. I needed to learn to step aside and how to let go of the stuff in me which used to drive my anger. And I was to find that in this Tenth Step which was to humiliate me at first and later to teach me a little bit of humility, which I desperately needed.
The truth is that I lack judgment in terms of my anger. And that is one of the rewards for me in this program. It has slowly over time helped me to learn that I really can’t afford to get mad, either at myself or others. It’s taken time to help me learn to deal with my emotions. And I need to remind myself a day at a time that it is necessary for me to have a positive attitude which is a road block to my anger. And I also need to be aware of what is going on. Once I drop my guard I’m on the edge of trouble. Doesn’t mean that I have to walk around anxiety ridden, but to mind my own business, which is a great help. The Tenth Step will show me at night how successful I have been with that.
Of course one of the things I have to face is that, no matter how long I have been sober and putting this program into action, I’m still human. My faults are going to pop up pretty much each and everyday. I’m going to trip myself up. But that’s where the Tenth Step comes in, if I will be conscious of it and use it each and everyday. And there is one of the places I find myself stumbling. Why I need to be reminded.
It is also another reminder of why we need one another. Am I willing to share with others I am close with what is going on with me. And to be willing to receive the same, when they share. Each and every time I do I’m the one who receives what I need. And it is also necessary for me to share my problems with my Higher Power.
Anyway, once again thinking about sobriety. Why I’m here.