We were supposed to be talking about being spiritually sick and the Fourth Step today. Why I was thinking about this is that after the meeting I was with a few men with long term sobriety and a couple with medium time.
Anyway, they eventually got around to talking about spirituality and I had to keep my mouth shut. There was an absence of belief. I’ve run across this before in literature and in meetings. It’s always a moment within in me, where I have to take a deep breath and be quiet. I’m not here to teach anyone about my thoughts on spirituality. I only talk about it as it relates to the BB and the 12&12. Beyond that I don’t go.
Why am I thinking about this? I guess it goes back to where I came from and where I am today. A long time ago I went away to study to become a priest. I spent a few years doing that and then one day I ran into a brick wall. I look back at that with some regret, because I did the same thing then, as I did, when I came into this program. I came in here with walls around me and kept everyone out of my thoughts. I wouldn’t ask for help. Back then I did the same thing. I didn’t ask for help and the result was that I left my studies and picked up a drink and I was off and running down hill. Talk about being spiritually sick. That was me.
Eventually in here I got so much help I can’t even describe it. All I know is that the people in here, the old timers and my sponsor, were so good at what they did that it began to change me. The walls started to come down and I slowly became open to these people and the program in general. And one of these phases was the spiritual program. The Second Step.
The interesting part of all this is that not one person ever told me what I should think or what they thought I should believe. All they did was open the door to the Second Step and let me walk in. From that I began my spiritual journey in this program. And over the years in here I have found myself growing along spiritual lines. I have found that these have been what has led to the changes within me and without in my life. Beginning with the hope I found before I came through these doors, which led me to pray and ask for help with my drinking.
Amazingly enough I got it. I knew nothing about what I was doing. Later I was to learn that what I had done was to surrender to the fact that I was a hopeless alcoholic and had an unmanageable life. Alcohol had owned me. I had a disease and didn’t know anything about it. Nevertheless I was released from the bondage of alcohol. And that increased the hope and I came through these doors and discovered more hope at my first meeting. I still go back and remember all of this as if it was yesterday. And that did something for me, which was to later lead to a profound change in my life.
What happened that I didn’t realize was that the hope I was given laid the foundation to what was going to happen when a new door was opened down the road. I had been in the program for a few months and suffering from the mental, emotional, and spiritual sickness within me. That’s when my sponsor opened the door to the Second Step for me. I learned that I was either going to live a spiritual life or die and alcoholic death. I had already been close to the latter, so I decided I needed to find a way to live a spiritual life. And that began when I found a Power greater than myself, as the BB stated.
That was about the time I learned something else, which was to help change me. I heard about four things I needed. The first was perseverance. Hanging in and not quitting. This was a new phase in my life. I never stuck with anything except a drink. Now I was being told that I needed to practice perseverance in my life. So a day at a time I began to practice that.
The next thing I learned was that I needed to develop hope in my life. I had already been given hope and so that it was something I didn’t need to develop. Just to hang onto it and by persevering not to let go of it.
Next thing I was to learn was to have a faith. Faith that began when my hopes were realized. And that’s exactly what happened. Just the fact that I had been freed from alcohol was enough to open the door to faith within me. The word “trust” came into my life.
The last of the four was love. That was going to be a hard one for me, but by now I found myself committed to this way of life. So I was faintly willing. It was a beginning.
I was told that I needed to hang onto all four things always. If I forgot one, all of them would be gone. Not an easy commitment for me. I was so sick from my drinking and my thinking that I found myself stumbling and fumbling in this program for quite a while. I thank my sponsor and those old timers for their support. The help they gave me was what I needed. Even when they confronted me and addressed my junk I am grateful that they did. I definitely needed that kind of help. In fact I have thoughts about that, when I see others avoiding what I received. I’ll leave that alone for now.
Anyway I want to go back to what happened this afternoon. The meeting after the meeting. I need to look at that as perfect experience for someone like me. I’m really not caught up in resistance to the thoughts being expressed. This is exactly what this program is about. It’s open to all, who come in here, regardless of what they believe or don’t believe. I know that none of them were there to challenge my thoughts or beliefs. What we all have is an agreement on one thing. None of us ever wants to drink again. That is very clear. No doubt about that. And what we all have found in here is a new way of life, which has eliminated alcohol from our lives. A spiritual awakening regardless of it’s definition by anyone of us.
What I got out of the meeting today was the relief most of us have achieved through this program. And that is the thought of a spiritual sickness within most of us has been removed. For that I am grateful. That and the fact that we were all sober at the table we were sitting at. What a great gift and a great way to live life today.