Once in a while the word “unity” or “union” will come to mind in a way that relates to more than just the First Tradition. What I was thinking about was what we were talking about today. The importance of learning that I can’t stay sober by myself and why meetings are so important to an alcoholic like myself.
When I look back it is obvious to me why staying with this program on a day at a time basis was so important. For one thing I came in here not an adult, but so childlike within. I had a lot to learn I found out, but it wasn’t easy for such and immature mind like mine. That old sign over the door that time takes time sure meant a lot to me. Growing along spiritual lines and learning how to put this program into action was definitely not an overnight event.
I had all those things I hear about in this program. Wanting to be right, when it was obvious to my sponsor and others that I was going down the wrong path. How important it was that my sponsor and those old timers didn’t hesitate to practice ego deflation in depth with me. Cutting me down to size was really valuable for someone like me. I am so grateful that they had the courage to do what was needed. That was the kind of help I needed in the beginning to get me on track.
I didn’t ever want to drink alcohol again, but I had to come to realize that what I needed was to learn what this program was about. In the beginning I definitely had no idea that this was a spiritual way of life. At least it is for me. I should have known that from the moment I stopped drinking. I had failed to stop no matter what I tried. And yet someone brought me hope and that caused me to finally say a prayer, wherein I asked God as I understood Him to stop me from drinking alcohol. And I did stop right after that request. And then I didn’t remember who had done what. All I knew was that I wasn’t drinking.
That was the beginning of my sobriety and I came into this program and decided that all I needed to do was not drink. Fortunately for me, though I tried to ignore what this program was really about, I had already made up my mind I knew what I was doing. That was causing me trouble in here, because of my big mouth and my silly ideas. And that’s where my old sponsor came in and helped me to turn my life around. He was the one who introduced me to the Second Step and that began this spiritual way of life and the eventual change in time.
A couple of “slaps in the face” (verbally) began to wake me up. I slowly began to listen to what I needed to learn from the group and these old timers. That was because I had learned that if I didn’t accept a Higher Power and begin to change into a spiritual way of life that I could very well end up drunk again and then die an alcoholic death. I had already almost been there at the end of my drinking, when I decided to take my own life because I couldn’t stop drinking. And that’s where the man gave me hope and began that inner revolution which got me to stop and pray for the help I needed.
None of this was easy for me. I had so many confused thoughts and ideas in me that I would hear something I needed and find myself arguing within and trying to deny whatever I had been given. Over and over and over again and again. Slowly I began to learn how to change my kind of thinking I had dragged through these doors with me. I was to learn, as my sponsor pointed out to me, that I had no idea what I was talking about. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did.
Over time in here I have definitely come to realize that there is no way I can stay sober by myself. I need meetings to hear what I need to hear and to continue to grow along spiritual lines. To be reminded of what it is that I often tend to forget. I know now that I have an incurable disease and will have it the rest of my life. I know my task is to learn and practice this program to the best of my ability. I also know that what I and others are doing is imperfect, except for that First Step. That complete surrender.
Anyway I had to stop and think about all of this tonight. I realize for me just how important all of this is for me. I look back and think over time how much I have learned and yet I know that I will never stop learning. I hear something everyday, which reminds me of something I forgot and need to continue to put into my life, if I want to stay sober. So, here I am and this is exactly where I want to be today. Staying sober a day at a time.
I know I owe all of this to my Higher Power and all those who have helped me to grow along spiritual lines and practice this program. I am so grateful and need to say thanks to the God of my understanding and for all the help I have been given.