I’m going to guess that if I were to say this out loud that I’d probably be told how wrong I was. But what I was thinking about was what I heard when I came into this program. It was the same thing Dr. Harry Tiebout, Bill W., and all those old timers talked about. What was definitely wrong with chronic alcoholics. Our inflated egos. Put it another way: egomania. Our enlarged egos.
I know for a fact that I fit into that description, as have other alcoholics like myself. And yet on the other hand I know others, who would deny this forever. Yet it’s true. And it’s why what the Doctor said is needed. Ego deflation in depth.
When I hear others I admire and they’re talking about this, they generally speak about being in control and how they’ve had to learn to give this up. Not easy to do, especially when we believe that we’re practicing humility.
One of the things which really has helped me was my old sponsor and those old timers. They practiced what worked for them on me. I know that there were many times I had to be “put down” verbally in here. And it worked. I remember one time I was told by someone that it was a miracle that there were other people on this planet, because my ego was so huge that there didn’t seem to be any room for anyone else. I got the message and was glad that they pointed this out to me. And there were others who cut me down to size when I definitely needed it. I am grateful that they were there.
Over time in here I have come to understand that, when I’m not paying attention to my staying sober, my ego can inflate itself once again and get in my way. I will want to take over control once again and can end up in anger and resentments and frustration. I know that it’s really necessary to keep myself in line, if I want to remain sober. I have to learn to back off and, as a friend of mine often says, to get out of the driver’s seat and go to the back of the bus. Not always easy to do, when I’m feeling self righteous.
And, of course, this is where the Second and Third Steps come in. Trying to practice this spiritual program in here. Learning to get out of the way and turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power, the God of my understanding. I often have to remind myself what it says in the Ninth Step in the BB. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.
And this is just a reminder to me that, if I want to stay sober, I’m going to have to get out of my own way. I didn’t come here to drink alcohol ever again. I’m going to have to get honest with myself and take a look at how self centered I can be and in total denial. I remember my sponsor telling me that I needed to put a sign on the bathroom mirror, which would say “Don’t Lie To Me!”. There are times when the truth can hurt, but it’s a wake up call.
When practicing the spiritual axiom in the Tenth Step I can often find that’s exactly where I am wrong. And then there’s that Eleventh and Twelfth Step to get me back on track in here and practice these spiritual principles. I just need to be grateful for all the help I have received from my Higher Power and so many in this fellowship, who have had the courage to reach out and help me to grow along spiritual lines and remain sober. Thanks.