Sometimes I can find myself stumbling over me. I can seem to be going along all right and then moments later end up in a negative state. Full of negative emotions. Sometimes anger and resentments. Other times fear, anxiety, self pity.
When I find myself in a negative state I may not be able to think straight and know what to do, except sink deeper and deeper, unless I can get the help I need. Sometimes that help seems to come from different places, but the bottom line is that I always need to go back to what it was that introduced me to the spiritual way of life in here.
I found in here that negative emotions are more powerful than my own thinking. They end up doing my thinking for me. So I had to learn how to deal with them the way my sponsor and those old timers taught me. My sponsor always told me to think with my head and not my heart. Not my emotions. Or, as those old timers would always say, it’s intellect over the emotions. I over E.
When my sponsor opened the door within me by introducing me to the Second Step, he showed me a spiritual way of life. It not only introduced me to restoration to my sanity, but also my Higher Power. And eventually the God of my understanding. I never want to forget that. It changed my life and my way of thinking. I now had a Power greater than myself, who could help me do for myself, what I could not do for myself alone. It changed me.
And it all comes from these negative emotions, which really come deep down within us from our hidden unconsciousness. Things we really cannot remember nor will we ever. Bill W. talks about this in the Eighth Step in the 12&12. He points out that we have deeply damaged ourselves from these emotions which have discolored our personalities for the worst. We probably have hurt ourselves worse than others.
I learned from not only my sponsor, but other spiritual writers, and even a psychiatrist, who wrote about this. They saw the solution as spiritual and not psychological. I had to learn the minute I found myself being overcome by my emotions to have a prayer I had practiced over and over, again and again, which I could say. Mine was “Oh, God, come into my heart; Oh, Lord, make haste to help me.” That was the beginning.
I also needed to practice starting my day over, as I was taught by these people. To step aside, if I can, and say a prayer, asking help to change my attitude from the negative to the positive. Then to put a smile on my face and continue the rest of the day in a positive manner. It works.
Anyway, this came up today and helped me to stop and think about why I am here in the first place. To stay sober one day at a time. Never to forget that. That’s why I had to learn how to deal with my negative thinking and emotions.
I needed to once again think in a positive way. To continue to go to meetings and get the help I need. And to talk and share with another alcoholic like myself, who can show me the way out of my problems.
I am so grateful to my Higher Power, my old sponsor, and those in this fellowship, who have helped me to stay sober this day. Thanks.