Talking to others of late reminded me of something which seemed to change my life over time. In fact still in the change process. And that is what my old sponsor and others talked about so much, when I came in. And, of course, that was emotions. How to handle them and what to do with them.
Listening to someone who talked about their problems with their emotions reminded me so much of me. When I was finally willing to share the truth about mine, the basic emotion, underlying everything else, was fear. Fear of others, fear caused by guilt and remorse for my past actions. Fear of the future. Fear of my Higher Power, based on my failures in the past.
Of course my response to fear was to enter into an even worse emotion. Anger. And anger followed often with resentments. So there I was loaded down with these negative emotions, which dominated my life, so to speak. Not always dominant, but nevertheless seemingly ever present. Not on the surface always, but still around.
Often times I found out that this stuff came up from my frustrations with people and my life. And all of this I continually buried in alcohol for years. However by the time I came here I had more than I could really carry. So what I found out I brought into this program was a lot of “general” stuff. Fear, anger, resentments, frustration. Most of it buried deep within.
In time however I was introduced to the Second Step. My Higher Power and a spiritual way of life. I had already been told that I was going to have to deal with my emotions, because they might do to me what they did to others. Get me drunk and finally dead. I had already committed myself to stay sober the rest of my life. I never wanted to drink again. So I was faced with what I eventually had to do. Change.
A lot of this was in the Steps, but for me more Intellect over Emotions. Or as my sponsor told me, to think with my head and not my heart. And this is where I had to begin to deal with this in several ways. One of course was in the Eighth and Ninth Steps. Took a long time, as I remember, but it has been worth it. And the other was to begin to turn a lot of this over to my Higher Power.
I had to learn how to pay attention to what was going on with me. I had to be able to realize when I was getting caught up in my negative emotions. Fear, anger, and the rest. I had to be prepared to try to react as fast as I could to ask for help. I had to practice getting used to saying a quick short prayer the minute one of these popped up within. Not easy when, like anger, wants to take over and govern my thinking and my feelings. But I had to continue to commit myself. Called discipline.
I also had to take time to meditate on this subject. To quiet myself down and spend some time within. I know from reading the BB and other literature on this subject that I was beginning to learn about these feelings. In fact there is a story in the BB called Freedom From Bondage which does address some of this and offers help.
I know that over time I have begun to change. I learned that attitudes are important. I had to practice starting my day over, when I found myself caught up in these negative emotions. Stepping aside and praying, and asking for my Higher Power to help me change my attitude, from the negative to the positive, and then stepping back out and treating others in a positive manner. In my own case with humor.
Anyway this is just part of my practicing to stay sober a day at a time. Again something I learned in here. I only have to deal with all of this stuff just for now. Not in the future or the past. Right now is all I have and what I have to deal with. And it’s up to me to have the right attitude to deal with myself and others. Not negatively but positively.
Just another pause in my day to think about why I am here. To stay sober and live a good life. And to be grateful to my Higher Power for all I have been given. And of course to do the same for everyone in here who have helped me to stay sober.