Letting go and letting God. Not always an easy order for some of us. At least not to a number I have heard over the years, including myself.
Growing along spiritual lines is a good description. “Growing”, meaning time takes time. At least that is something which has made sense to me. For instance we were talking about the Fourth Step today and had some differences of opinions stated.
One of those was not to be too specific, but to put down what might be behind whatever it is that is written down. Not the thing itself. And then others, like myself, who put down whatever it was I did. I know for me I was dumping whatever it was that was driving me crazy from guilt and remorse. I think over time we all do the same things as stated. Whether it was what was behind our actions and thoughts or the things themselves.
In other words, learning all of that which is important to us. My experience over time in this program has taught me that time takes time. I may learn today’s value of something important to me and then over time another value of that very same thing. In other words I have had to learn to try to keep an open mind. And the same thing in learning how to live a spiritual way of life. For instance, letting go and letting God.
I remember my old sponsor helping me to learn a number of things. I know I had become acquainted with how selfish I was in turning things over. It was like having a huge towel in my hands and only tearing off tiny pieces at a time and giving them to my Higher Power. “I’ll give you this and see what you do with it.” Over time I came to see what he meant. And he was absolutely right. It was like I was running a test. Silly and immature, but that was me when I came in.
Like I was thinking, I gradually began to change my vision about what I thought was going on in here. I came to recognize that often I was having my hopes realized. And that began to build faith within me. And that faith began to help me to let go and let God do for me what I could not do for myself.
It also opened the door for me in here to begin to deal with my negative emotions. I began to pray about putting my thoughts above my feelings which so often caused me trouble. Over time I began to realize how I was changing. I started to begin to experience freedom from a lot of these. And some, which stayed around were trimmed in a sense. Not so dominant as they once were.
I often go back and think about what I once heard. First comes perseverance. Never giving up. Sticking with it no matter how difficult. Next comes hope. Holding on to hope throughout everything. No matter what. Then comes faith. Experiencing our hopes being fulfilled. And growing in faith as a result. And then comes love. And continuing perseverance. Never to stop or give up.
And that’s what taught me to begin to trust and letting go and letting go with the God of my understanding. Coming to believe and trust. Growing in hope and faith. Not quitting no matter what. And all of this came because I stayed sober in this program. I learned that all I had to do was stay sober this day. Not to project beyond the moment. To persevere. To have hope, faith…and then to practice the Twelfth Step. To become open and willing to give away what was so freely given to me. To develop compassion and begin to grow along spiritual lines, whether I realized it or not.
Just thinking about staying sober today and being grateful for all that I have been given. Amazing.