When I stop and think about it, there’s nothing more critical in the alcoholic’s life than resentments. That came up today, as it often does in this program. That’s because almost all the alcoholics, who come in and get sober, have to deal with these negative emotions. And they are dangerous.
The alcoholic doesn’t know what to do at first, when they get here, but they do know that they’re at risk with these, because they bring up the question of possibly taking a drink.
I always go back to my early days in this program, when my first sponsor stepped out and drank because he had a resentment, and he died right after he did. The same thing happened to another man I knew in here. He had resentments against some people in the program. At least he told me he thought he did. He stepped out the door and drank again. When he came back he told me his story and then died as a result.
Just like the BB tells us. I can recall it every time I run into resentments, whether mine or someone else. From memory, because I can never forget the thoughts I remember reading back then. Resentments cut us off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity returns and we drink alcohol again. And for us to drink is to die. Just like what happened to those two men…and so many others in here.
And that’s exactly where my second sponsor, who came into my life for so many years after, helped me to change. I know, as I’m writing how many times I have put these words down. But the truth was that I really didn’t know what to do to get rid of these resentments. I only thought I did. At least that’s what I told myself. Thank my old sponsor for having the courage to shut me up and tell me the truth.
I learned from him that I needed to empty my mind and listen to the old members in here, who had gone through the same things I did. I was not alone. Others had the same problems I did. I didn’t know that. But it opened the door for me to begin to listen and change the way they did.
The next thing I found out from my sponsor was that I was going to have to begin to live a spiritual way of life. The Second Step. If I didn’t I learned that I was probably going to go back out and drink again and like my first sponsor die an alcoholic death. I had nearly killed myself rather than go on drinking, and when I was given a way out by surrendering to my being powerless and asking for help from the God of my understanding, I never wanted to go back there. So I did what so many had done in here. I got a Higher Power and came to believe and depend on him.
Nothing happened overnight. But I did begin to learn to put the rest of these Steps into action in my life. Time took time. But little by little I struggled with me and began to change. One thing was to learn that I could be wrong and the persons I resented might not be as bad as I thought they were. I learned to change my attitudes and begin to not listen to my emotions. To come to depend on the Higher Power I came to trust and hope in.
I learned that I had to begin to forgive and let go of others. That I just may be the one who was wrong. The spiritual axiom in Step Ten in the 12&12. I had to look at myself and not others. In fact on one of my Ninth Steps I truly was restored to sanity, as stated in the Second Step. I had stopped fighting everyone and everything, including alcohol. I was given my spiritual awakening.
That doesn’t mean that any of this made me perfect. If anything I always look at myself as imperfect. Like the BB said I’m not a saint. Hardly a spiritual person, but an alcoholic, who each and everyday stops and thinks about staying sober for the day I’m in. This day.
Anyway I look back and am so grateful for what I have been given in this program. My sobriety, my life, this way of life, and all the gifts which have come with this path I’m on. Beyond my wildest dreams. Amazing. How much thanks I need to give to my Higher Power, my old sponsor, and all those who have helped me.