I think one of the hardest things I had to learn in here was to let go. Letting go didn’t come naturally to this alcoholic, who, hidden from others I think, wanted to control. Again the ego.
And when it came to anger, resentments, fear, anxiety…negative emotions…I would find myself up against the wall. And since these were very dangerous emotions, the invitation to that next drink, I had to learn how to get rid of them.
That’s where I had to learn how to separate myself from these awful feelings and thoughts. Again, that’s where the Second Step came in. Learning to have hope and faith in my Higher Power, that He could do for me what I never could for myself. I had to step into the Third Step and let go and let the God of my understanding take over.
I had to listen to my old sponsor and all those old timers, who had kept telling us to place the intellect over our emotions. That’s where these “short” prayers began to come into my life. The minute I would feel these things starting within me, I had to be able to say them quickly.
It meant for me that I had to practice these over and over so that I could bring them in when needed. One of these was the Serenity Prayer, which pretty much outlines what this is all about. I had to learn what it was that I could not change. And that is pretty much everything in my life. And, of course, the one thing I could, which was myself.
Not an easy task for me to think about, since I had never wanted to or thought I could change. And that’s where the rest of these Steps came in over time. And all of the time I was trying to go through these I had to learn how to begin to put this spiritual life into action. And part of that was to continue to be committed to stay sober a day at a time. To pay attention to my sponsor, old timers, and the BB and the 12&12. And to practice prayer and meditations.
I was thinking about this today, because of what I had heard from others in here. The prayer I often say is, to have my heart filled and the need for haste within to help change me. Words to that effect. Over and over again. Amazing how much peace comes in to this alcoholic, when I do this.
Anyway I need to do this and remind myself that I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. To give thanks because I am grateful for all that has been given and done for me in this program by my Higher Power, my old sponsor, and fellow alcoholics in here. To continue to stay in hope, and grow in faith, and, when I can, to practice the love I have been given. And part of that is to let go.