It always amazes me how an alcoholic, who is driven or drawn to a meeting, can’t hit a realization of what is going on. We had a few today, who are fairly recent in returning to this program. Yet none of them has, it seems, an idea of just how much trouble they are in.
I’m always driven back to the moment I was going to end my life. I can never forget that moment. Ever. It is always right there, as if it was yesterday. The 12&12 talks about this in the First Step. The need for pain. How else will anyone be willing to change, unless the pain within has driven them to open up to this program and surrender to being powerless over alcohol.
In fact this first chapter ends by saying that the alcoholic needs to listen as only the dying can listen. I knew exactly what that was, because, when that man who drank with me, told me he had heard that there was a place where men and women met and stayed sober together, it turned on a light in the darkness within me. I found out that was hope.
I can’t help but stop and think about this, when I run into this kind of resistance to the help we all need to change our lives and save us from the torture and death we are faced with. None has to be a genius mentally to see what is going on from this disease.
I know it’s the huge egos we alcoholics have within us, which is turning the truth off. We are convinced that we know everything and can control whatever it is we need to do go back to drinking again. I do know that some of us feel that all we need is a day or two of rest and we will be ready to drink again. I’ve hear it too many times in the past.
Talking to a friend of mine after wards about how brain damaged alcoholics can become. We both have seen institutions where these people are. It’s discouraging to go into such places and see the invalids there, who are so lost. And, of course, too often I have seen deaths from this disease. I have seen people overwhelmed and dying as result. Too often. And I have also witnessed suicides, as I almost did to myself.
Anyway all I know is that it is so discouraging to witness these people lying to themselves. Like my sponsor told me, I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did. How right he was. And he opened the door to help me turn my mind and my life around. I had surrendered in the First Step. What he did was to introduce me to the Second Step and a new way of life, which saved my life.
Just needed to stop and think about this. It reminds me of why I am here. I’m here to stay sober one day at a time. Never want to forget that. And that’s why I come here. I know I cannot do this alone. I need help just like everyone else, who wants to stay sober. Grateful for what I have been given.