One of my defects…or ours…is, or was, rationalization. It’s not something I stop and think about, but it’s still around nevertheless. Making excuses is one definition. Defending irrational behavior or thinking. Justifying dumb things.
The answer for this is not easy. In my time in here I have heard it over and over again and again. Keep it simple. And often from old timers I heard, Keep it simple, Stupid. And I couldn’t agree more with that.
Given my “super over sized ego”, trying to be humble is definitely not easy. I keep thinking of one of my friend’s statement, where he says, he had to get out of the driver’s seat and go to the back of the bus. When I’m trying to run things and control them, I forget what it is I’m supposed to be doing. To stay sober a day at a time.
Again I’m reminded of the statement in the Ninth Step in the BB. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. And when I get caught up in rationalization I find myself anyplace but there. What catches my attention and brings me back to earth is my suddenly becoming aware of where my self centered thinking has taken me. Either that or someone catches me exercising self justification and points it out.
One of the things I often have to try to avoid, when I’m caught up in rationalization, is anger. Trying to justify my arguments with myself can often lead to resentments against those denying my self justification. And this is where I need to back off and try to remember to keep it simple. Again not easy.
And that’s where I find just how dangerous rationalization can be. All I have to do is throw cold water on my thinking. I can do that by going back and remembering what this has done to others, who went back out and drank and died, as result. I sure do remember them.
While I have been thinking about this, I have been reminded once again why I am here. I came here to stop drinking and get sober. I’m not here to justify my thinking. I have to get honest with myself and others. Not always an easy thing to do. Especially early on in this program. I definitely was not honest when I came in. Honesty took time and practicing these Steps in my life.
But mainly it was through my old sponsor’s help, and that of the tough old timers, who could catch me in my junk. And ego deflation in depth. All of this was backed up by my eventually trying to grow along spiritual lines in here. My hope and faith in a Higher Power, all of which I began to experience and find through the Second Step, and my relation with listening to my sponsor and people in this program. Not listening to myself.
Anyway I was reminded of this today and had to stop and go back and think about this. Enough for now. I just need to remember that I’m here to stay sober a day at a time. I never ever want to drink alcohol again. I had to read and think about all of this. The gift of this program to this alcoholic.
All this makes me grateful to the program, my Higher Power, my old sponsor, and all those, who have reached out and helped me along the way. I need to say “Thanks”. And to keep it simple.