I was talking to a friend of mine, just a few minutes ago, about his sister, who is dying. He had some questions about this, because it is so personal. Not like others we both have had the grace and opportunity to sit with near their end. I know about this, because I had to be there for my brother and mother a week apart. Right up to the end.
Why am I going through this at the moment? Because it is about something, which at one time I had so much difficulty, when I came into this program. And that was love.
Love was not easy for me. I felt so separated from others that I really couldn’t imagine myself really loving anyone. Even family members. It took time in here, the Second Step, to open the door to the possibility of loving others. And I think that it eventually meant that I had to learn to love and care about myself. That was really hard. Time took time.
Early on in sobriety I began to develop friendships, which I still have today. And I think it was them, who were so loving, which began to change me. At first it was compassion on my part. My being willing to reach out and help someone else, who needed this program. That’s when I began to experience a sense of feelings I had really never had before. In giving away I began to receive. Amazing.
I had already hope, and that led to faith. Part of the spiritual awakening in here. The next step I found was love. And when that became obvious, a lot of things inside of me balked. I guess it was fear. I was afraid of some kind of pain and suffering, which loving might bring into my life. I’d be open to being wounded, I guess.
Nevertheless love became part of my life. Not so much passion, as caring about another. I realized I had to get open to that. And that reminded me of the Serenity Prayer…the courage to change the things I can. And that’s me. And prayer was the means to get me there.
Anyway, after our talk I had to stop and think about love. It makes me almost laugh. Years ago I would have never thought I’d be sitting here thinking about this. But I am grateful.
It also reminds me of exactly why I am here. My getting sober is for me part of this. I have come to love so many in this program, and I know I have been given love in return. I know, that even when I was cold inside, others were loving me back then. And it opens my heart and my mind to why I am here. To stay sober a day at a time. And the love of my Higher Power, which keeps me here, is there and I am so grateful. I need to say thanks.