Once again I was thinking about the spiritual journey I think I might be on, as the result of entering this fellowship. I say “think”, because I often don’t know what I’m talking about. I just think I do.
Really, I thought, if I stick to what I’ve learned in the BB and the 12&12, and some of Bill’s writings, I’m probably on pretty safe ground. Feet on the ground and head in the clouds, as he recommended in the BB. Although, I’m kind of short in stature.
I know a couple of things from my experiences. I’ve also heard it from others. It has pretty much led me to a way of serenity and peace of mind. A more open mind than I had when I came in. That’s been a pretty long and difficult road for me. My sponsor was always talking about my closed mind and the difficulty of prying it open. And as much as has been opened has led to a more open heart within in me.
I often wonder, when the BB talks about our sobriety being dependent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition on a daily basis; just what that is. I guess I’ll have to settle for the simple things. Prayer and meditation and trying, with the help of my higher power to handle the obstacles, my character defects, through the process of the Steps.
The reason I probably wonder is that my biggest hurdle is always plaguing me. That’s my ego. My intellectual pride. Wanting to know everything, but too lazy to really find out. A good friend of mine is always telling me that it’s his pride he always stumbles over in this way of life. I can certainly identify with him. That’s me, too.
Yet, I know that things have improved over the time I have been in this program. The thought of a drink has been lifted from me. I no longer think about a drink or even want one. Although I am aware that I’m still powerless over alcohol. An experience of one near miss many years ago woke me up to that. I have learned to handle my “problems” better than ever in my life. I have had a change in my emotions. They’re more quiet. More even. And all this, because of applying the 12 Steps to my life. I’m not even close to the man I was when I walked through the doors of this program. I think I am really living a sober life today.
Happy? Yes. This is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. This spiritual way of life. Not perfect. Imperfect in fact. But better. Content, but never satisfied.
Anyway, I was thinking about this today.