There seems to be nothing more attractive to an alcoholic than playing with fire. Yearning for chaos. That I know was my history, when I came into the program.
All that changed, when I was introduced to and began working these 12 Steps into my life. But it didn’t happen overnight. My self centered behavior and selfishness was still active for a long time. That ego centered and intellectually self sufficiency kept me from really practicing these principles inherent in the Steps. I still had reservations about depending on a higher power. Anger, resentments, even rage, and hatred came in waves at that time.
The BB says it best. At times the alcoholic is self will run riot, even though he doesn’t think so. That was me. I didn’t think so. So, it was hard for anyone to get my attention.
But it was when I began to receive the benefits of the 11th Step that I started to get on an even keel. It took a lot of direction from others to jump start the deeper parts of this spiritual program. I had so much resistance before I began to come to understand what this program was offering to me. But, once the process began to open up to me, I wanted more. And indeed I found it.
I really don’t know what it takes for others to come to realize the full benefits of applying these Steps. I realize now that it’s not just going through the Steps once and thinking I have this program. It took a lot of time to begin to learn that the action I have to take is daily. To apply the principles to situations which we all are going to run into. To come to realize where the keys to this way of life lay hidden beneath the surface of my being. My willingness and my intent to stay sober for this day.
But most of all, how to depend on my higher power. To come to admit that I do not have all the answers. It takes a degree of humility for me to allow for ego deflation in depth. I desperately need that. To be cut down to size and view life and myself in the proper perspective. As one spiritual writer once said, it is a very great thing to be very small.
Anyway, it was something I was thinking about today.