Of all the character defects, I have to agree with what the BB says, fear is the worst. And self centered fear has got to take the prize. Like Bill said, it’s the one which is at the root of most of my other character defects. It steals away my peace of mind. My serenity.
For me, it begins with worry and anxiety. I can find it, when I’m honest with myself, as the cause of anger and resentment. But it usually begins with sparking off my pride. Then it leads to a host of other defects I really can’t afford.
Fear can cause me to lie to myself and justify what I’m thinking or doing. It can really put my sobriety in a dangerous place. The question is, when I find myself in such a place, how do I avoid it or get rid of fear?
My sponsor used to say, if you pray, don’t worry. But if you worry don’t pray. In any event I would plow ahead, pray, and just try to get rid of my thoughts. Doing it myself, really. Not a good idea.
One thing I know I frequently pray for is courage. Courage to do the right thing. Putting aside my fear and going ahead anyway. Learning to trust in my higher power that everything will be all right in spite of me. Not with reckless abandon, but with the help and advice of others, who have experienced much of the same thing.
I know that, if I will just stop and think about much of what I have read and studied in the BB, if I will remember what my sponsor and others have told me, I’m often reassured and it helps me slow down the impact of my fears on me. One of those readings is in the 9th Step. The promises. Two of those fears, which we’re told will leave us, deal with people and finances. All those promises came true in my life, but sometimes my tendency to anxiety will begin the corrosive process again. I forget and start to lose what I already have.
When I lose trust in this process of staying sober, it’s probably because of something I’m not doing. I’m not putting something in this program into action. I’m not relying on my higher power or the people in this program. I have what my sponsor always said, “a quick forgetter”. Drifting off and getting lazy on the Steps, which have brought me this far. Relying on my own “power” alone.
One of the tools which often helps me is the 10th Step. I have to often remind myself that if I’m disturbed, it’s me who’s at the heart of this disturbance. A quick survey of my thinking can pin down the cause and get me to a place where I can begin to reverse the process of fear creeping in. Often I need to talk to someone and help me to get rid of this stuff.
Learning not to take myself so seriously, acting as if, and practicing the principles of this program, sharing with others, and having faith in what works, is the remedy for me with fear. Oh, and trusting God.