What is it about relationships? In one way or another, this always seems to pop up. Good ones and the “bad”. Successful and unsuccessful. It has a lot do with sobriety.
One of those aspects has to do with my character defects. It also seems to have a lot to do with our being different than other people, like the BB points out.
A couple of friends of mine and I were talking today about some of this. One of them pointed out the insecurity people like us have seem to be deep within us. The inability to speak our mind. Not that I don’t speak out, which I sometimes do. But to say the right thing. After all, communications, whether spoken or not, are what relationships are all about. And sobriety is about relationships.
I look back at my relationships and know that I have had some really good ones. Still do. Not when I was drinking, but in sobriety. But I also know that I have some very unsuccessful ones since I have been sober. And it was my inability to communicate in a meaningful way, which sabotaged those relationships. I either said the wrong things in the wrong way, fueled by anger or resentment, or some other character defect of mine. Sometimes it was silent scorn, precipitated by self pity or some low mood tone. Doesn’t always have to be spoken.
In the end I know that it was me and my lack of tolerance and understanding. Lack of patience. And sometimes it was the other person, but my inability or lack of desire to understand them got in the way. And sometimes it was just fear. Fear of losing myself.
To me, relationships, like many other things, have always been a mystery. I know that I will never be able to learn about them on my own. Talking with my sponsor and friends has helped a great deal. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be sober today. But, I also know that an AA meeting is no place to bring up the question of relationships. Why would anyone think a roomful of people, just like me, would be the proper venue for seeking advice?
When Bill W. talked about our faulty dependencies on people and circumstances, he said that such dependencies can cause others to let us down, and that circumstances can fail us. When they do, he said, it would always open the door to depression. Or, I would add, frustration, anger, and resentment. All a way to introduce someone like me to the next drink.
The BB and the 12&12 has a lot to say about relationships. It certainly got my attention and opened my eyes to what was wrong with me. It also offered me solutions to what had been puzzling me over a long period of my life. Some of these solutions are present in my life today. But, like I said, not always. I found them in the 12 Steps and the spiritual life this program has offered me.
I know today that, if I will put my self will aside, and practice these principles to the best of my ability, or at least try, that my relationships with others will improve. But, I also know that I, despite my thoughts, am imperfect. That does not mean to me that I can rest on my laurels or use that as an excuse. After all, I know that every day is a day, if I want to stay sober, that I have to improve on my goal to do God’s will in my life.
Anyway, after these talks today, I was thinking about this aspect of my life.