Today, talking to some friends of mine in the program, I thought back to a time, when I was a tornado, roaring through the lives of others.
We gave each other examples of just how we were back then. One came to mind, when I coldly threw a person out of my life. A person, who really cared for me. And, when I got sober, I was just like the man in the BB, who said, “Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowing”. Not a thought about her or others.
Then I described that when I was about 22 years sober and heading back to upstate NY to care for my younger brother, who was dying, she called me on the phone. She was in charge of a program and I was on the list of people invited to a convention. All of a sudden it occurred to me just how badly I had treated her. Though I had to leave that night, I made amends right then and there. There was dead silence. I knew I had hit home, and had to wait until she could gather herself. Then she said, in a flat voice, “Thank you” and hung up.
It was one of those moments, when it became clear as a bell, just how my words and actions had damaged others. Alcohol had so taken over my life that I was like a runaway freight train, racing down the tracks of life, just knocking people over, who got in the way of my drinking.
I hope I’m not that way today. I don’t think I am. And memories, like the one I was thinking about, bring home how I once treated relationships. Like the literature said, I loved but few, was indifferent to many, and hated the rest.
Today I was thinking about what the Steps did for me to change the man I once was. Relationships are most important to me now. I have grown close to many and them to me. I have friends going back many years, whom I treat with love and respect. I have affection toward a lot of others today. Some I know I have to keep at arms length, but I treat them with respect. And some, as my sponsor told me, the best relationship I can have with them is none at all.
But, since I don’t stay sober by myself, or live in solitude, relationships are really what sobriety is about for me. My 10th Step tells me on a daily basis just how well or badly I am doing with them.
I know that what I’m thinking about is not perfection. But at least I have been trying. And the example I was thinking about is what spurs me on to do better. That and my imperfect relationship with my higher power. I’m still working on that, hopefully everyday.