Talking to a friend after the meeting today, I couldn’t help but think about a couple of things. One was discipline and the other was the word malady, as in a spiritual malady.
The word “discipline” is not about punishment, although in time it began to be defined that way. When I think about where that word came from it changes everything. The root is in the same word as “disciple”. A disciple was someone who is learning to practice something. Discipline means to learn. Learn what? For someone like me, a way of living.
When I was growing up and in school (that was in a time, when the teacher could give out punishment for misbehavior), we were often “disciplined” physically. In the military, if we stepped out of line, we received discipline…we were punished. But in here it’s different. No one dishes out any kind of punishment. They offer us a new way of life. I punish myself for failing to learn how to do what I need to.
When I came in here I was suffering from what was called a “spiritual malady”, meaning an unwholesome condition. A spiritual disease. I lacked any concept of what I needed to live a sober life. A life without alcohol. I really didn’t know how to live. And that’s where the discipline came in. I needed to learn how to live and how to live without drinking. I was to become, I guess, a disciple.
And how did that spiritual malady show up? How about my ego? My self-centeredness? I needed to have my ego punctured. Deflated, so that I could hear. I needed to get an open mind so that I could listen. My problem was that I thought I knew. And, when I think that way, I stop listening and my mind shuts out what I really need to hear.
Bill tells us the alcoholic lacks discipline. And that’s exactly where that 2nd Step comes into the picture. I had to learn that I was not only powerless over alcohol and had an unbelievable unmanageable life, but that I was going to have to open myself to a Higher Power and learn to live a spiritual way of life. The 12 Steps. And that Higher Power, through the exercise of progressing through these Steps, would empower me to live a sober life through a spiritual awakening. A lot of stuff for a newcomer.
But I found that the little discipline I could come up with was often “forced” onto me by pain. When I found myself doing things my way, I would inevitably run into a brick wall. “Ouch!” Then I would have to back off and once again open my mind and listen. To put what I learned into action. Sounds like the “abc’s”. That simple.
I still have to relearn to practice discipline today. Often running into that brickwall brings me back to earth. And the pain, my self punishment, causes me to start doing things the way I learned them in here. What I think I know is often what gets in my way. It leads me to rebel and say that I know what I’m doing. I don’t need any help. And then, bang!
Not for nothing does that 3rd Step prayer say “relieve me of the bondage of self”.