When the subject came up today, a few talked about how the more they learned the less they knew. Sounded like my sponsor talking to me. That I didn’t know that I didn’t know, I only thought I did. How right he was, as I was to learn.
One of the things I did learn in here was, that the longer I stayed sober and tried to change and live a spiritual life, that what I had learned over the years did not apply in here. That, if I wanted to stay sober, I was going to have to learn a new way of living. And that was something I was totally ignorant about. The fact was, when I stopped drinking, I found I didn’t really know how to live.
And what I learned, as a result of working these Steps in my life and following the examples of all those old timers, was that I could not do this alone. There were things, which were essential to this way of life and all that was “new” to me. Oh, I had been exposed to a lot of this stuff in the past, but my drinking and thinking had pretty much wiped out all the good things, which were now being inserted in the place of my chronic alcoholic living.
Today, when I look around at my life, as it is sober, I discover how much I need to be reminded of what it is that I need to do. I may think I know what I’m doing, but my character defects pop up and I have to find out how to deal with them. Whenever I’m disturbed, I have to find out what’s wrong with me and not the other fellow. Usually I have to stop and talk to another sober alcoholic for clues on how to deal with this. You’d think by now it would be second nature. That I would “know” how to deal with these things. Not if you have a brain like mine.
But, like we’re told, there is a solution to all of this. That’s my Higher Power. If I have the hope and faith and the trust in Him, I find that the answer comes to me. Not on my timetable, but His. I just have to find the patience and the humility to rely on His grace, whenever living problems arise. And they do. Usually because I’ve forgotten Who is in charge.
It’s like prayer. I find myself praying for others I care for. A lot. Like my Higher Power doesn’t have a clue. I do believe He does, but, in my thinking I know something, I find myself kind of “nudging” Him. What’s that all about? I listen to those who do know something about spirituality and they tell me that it’s time I shut up and listen to Him. And, when I do find time to sit down and be quiet, that my too busy and cluttered mind keeps wanting to interrupt the silence. And then I’m convinced that I need to learn more. That I don’t know that I don’t know.
Anyway, all of this is just a reminder to me that my sobriety is dependent on my spiritual condition. And that’s something I need to remember every day. That’s why I keep going to meetings and listening. Thank the God of my understanding for them and the people in the rooms, who are sober and trying to live this way of life with someone like me.