It’s always a treat, a reward, to talk to my sober friends. To receive messages from them. To listen to what they have to say. And probably just as rewarding to me is to read the stories of men and women, who talk about their spiritual awakenings. Something I try to do each night before I fall asleep. And usually all of this at some point relates directly to my sobriety and ends up making me grateful for all that I have received.
One of my friends today talked about working these 12 Steps and the results we receive from the process. One of these is in the BB. We will not wish to close the door on the past. Really? That was just what we were talking about; closing the door. The past is just that. It’s not in the present. Not right now. If I spend time on it, I’m doing myself a disservice. It brings on negative thinking, guilt, worry, and often depression, if I spend too much time there.
Then why not close the door permanently and be done with it? I know why and I guess everyone in this program does. What was once just junk, garbage can be turned into pure gold. That’s at those moments, when someone, a new man or woman, or an old timer, who is suffering, needs to hear my story. My experiences of not only the past, but how that all changed for me, as a result of coming into this program. My experience, strength, and hope.
So, for the most part, even though the door is not locked, I leave it alone. Spending time going back and going over and over all the mistakes I made is an invitation to negative thinking. A distraction from what is going on with my life right now. My job is always right in front of me. Not behind.
I know from many of those I have talked to and listened to, in and out of the rooms, we are all tempted from time to time to be pulled back into that darkness within. It’s up to me, with the help of my Higher Power and my friends in here, to make up my mind to leave it alone and only open the door, when I’m called upon to do that. And just as important to me is my attitude, when I do it. If it’s negative it will serve little purpose to those I’m trying to serve at the moment. If I’m to work to good purpose, I need to have a positive attitude about everything I’m doing.
Pretty much this was my thinking today, after I talked to my friend. Having said all of this, I thought just how imperfect I am in the practice of letting go and letting my Higher Power. I’d like to think I could do this perfectly, but practice has shown me otherwise. I just have to commit myself to the best I can. When I’m aware of what is going on right at the moment, I know I’m practicing the spiritual principles of this program. Or I try to. Again imperfectly. But, when I get too much into my head, I tend to fall flat on my face. However I’ve learned from my sponsor and practice not to stay there. To pick myself up and dust myself of and keep on keeping on. Often with the help of my friends in here.
Just thinking about sobriety again.