I was thinking today about the word discipline again. At one time I know that I, like so many others, thought that it was a bad word, meaning punishment. Then I remembered that it meant something else. At least it used to. It meant learning.
To practice discipline means that I can help myself get rid of negative things in my life. I can begin to learn how to change for the better. If I want to grow along spiritual lines I need to stop and think. Actually meditate and that takes discipline. It’s not punishment. The truth is that it’s relief from things which have plagued me most of my life. Especially my drinking life.
We were talking about the First Step today. And later I was talking to someone suffering from what we all suffer from, our character defects. Of course these are still around to some extent. How often they show up just when I think I’m doing well and in charge again. Often leading to resentments, anger, and a lot of other things. That’s when I need to learn to practice discipline.
What’s so important is that with my way of thinking I can find myself digging a hole for myself. Suffering from guilt and remorse. Slipping and sliding in and out from focusing on what I started and then back into the weight of guilt. Beating myself up instead of changing.
One of the things I know I need to practice is to try to stay in conscious contact with my Higher Power, when I slip back into my character defects. To practice lifting up my heart and my mind and asking for help. And then to put the principles of this program into action.
And that takes paying attention to what I’m doing and that requires effort on my part. I know that my sponsor and those old timers tried to help me learn how to do this. In principle they were disciplining me. Not punishing me, but teaching me how to work this program.
One way I can do this I know is to practice saying a short prayer, over and over again. And then, when I start to slip back into my old habits, it’s there, when I need it. I often find myself saying a brief prayer over and over, so that I’m hopefully ready for what I have to face about myself. Learning to have enough humility to take the right action. To be able to step aside.
None of this is easy for someone like me, who failed to grow up and become a mature adult. Now that I’m sober I have the opportunity to do the right thing and begin to change. I often remember that Bill W. wrote about this, when he wanted to discuss maturing emotionally. The very thing I need to do. To help me to overcome my worst habits of thinking and acting. To be able to not give into my emotions.
This is all about learning to think and act in a sober way of life. It’s why I stopped drinking. I never want to go back there ever again. Part of that is learning to practice the kind of discipline I need to begin to live a spiritual way of life. The very foundation of my sobriety. The spiritual awakening(s).
I know I’m still human and can stumble and fumble along the way. But I also know from experience and watching others that I can learn how to do the right thing. And the first thing is to avoid taking a drink. To ask for the help I need from others and my Higher Power before I run into difficulties. And, if I fail, to pick myself up, dust myself off, and ask for the help I need.
Just thinking about all of this makes me grateful for all that I have been given in this way of life. Over time I have learned never to give up, but to keep on trying. The principles of these Twelve Steps. Thank the God of my understanding and all the people in here, who have gone out of their way to help me.