A paradox is a seemingly contradictory statement which nevertheless might be true. Strange way to start thoughts on staying sober. One of those paradoxes, which the program uses is that we have to give it away in order to keep it. True? Absolutely. One of the ways I’m guaranteed to maintain my sobriety is to give what I have been given to someone else like me. In fact if I ignore this it might place me in a precarious position.
I’m told that I am responsible, when someone reaches out and wants help. It’s up to me to accept my responsibility I was told. I am not responsible for my getting sober or being here in this program, but I am responsible for staying sober and working this program. The same is true for my giving away what I was so freely given to me. I am responsible.
The reason I was thinking about this is because one of the hardest paradoxes in this program is often painful, but just as true. We have to surrender to win.
That came up as the subject of the meeting today and took most of us back to how this program worked for us and what we all had to do. For instance hitting our bottoms was very painful for me and so many who shared today. I was in such pain from my inability to stop drinking that I was planning to commit suicide. Fortunately someone intervened.
But it was that pain, which forced me to surrender to the God of my understanding and beg for help. And that’s what brought about victory for me over alcohol. I had to surrender to win. Talk about a war between our egos and our pride. When I look back I can almost see what was holding me prisoner. It was me. I was in my own way and couldn’t see that. I was still trying to control everything. I never realized I was totally out of control. My alcoholic insanity blinded me. That chronic alcoholic thinking.
Then when I got in here I was faced with this paradox over and over again. I found out that I was going to have to surrender many many times. I was such a natural rebel. Almost a foolish child in my early forties. The next challenge I had to face was having to surrender to achieve a Higher Power in my life. The last thing I wanted to do was to stop doing things my way, where I was trying to avoid having to live a spiritual way of life.
And again, when I finally surrendered, I came out the winner. Who would have thought that? Not me certainly. But it didn’t stop there. I was going to have to face the pain, which my pride and egotism had put me into. I next had to face the difficulty of accepting turning my life and my will over to something besides myself.
And then there was going to be a chain of paradoxes in each Step I was faced with. In order to win I had to surrender. And all of this didn’t stop there. I found I was going to be challenged by an awful lot of things. I was going to have to surrender to the fact that I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I only thought I did, I was told. Talk about humiliation for a prideful, egotistical individual like myself. But I learned that if I wanted to get sober and stay sober I was going to have to put my wanting to control things over to my Higher Power and trust that everything would work out. And it did. Again I was the winner.
And of course I was faced with so much, as the result of the way I had lived and thought. Not always an easy walk in here. Yet I look back and have no complaints. Everything I eventually learned how to do worked out the way it has for each and every alcoholic, who wanted more to stay sober and never drink again. But it never looked that way to someone like me when I was challenged to make the changes I had to make.
Others, who shared today, almost said the same things. But all agreed that they all won by surrendering and accepting. Giving up our pride and our adolescent insanity. Amazing how much this disease had us in its hold.
I know there’s no cure for what is wrong with me. The disease of alcoholism will be with me until the end of my life. I know that and accept that. But what makes me happy and at peace is that the sobriety I have been given has amazed me beyond my wildest dreams. I never thought I’d ever be where I am today and have such a separation from the power alcohol had over me. I never thought I would ever stop living the way of life I was living and change the way I have changed. And yet here it is. A fact.
Now I know what I have to do each and everyday. Often at the beginning of each day I find that I once again have something I need to surrender. And just as often I sometimes find that I’m tripping over me once again. However I have learned to pick myself up and turn myself over to my Higher Power for the help I need to do what I need to do.
Once again I needed to stop and think about this program and my staying sober. And to have the gratitude I need to continue on. I do. I thank my Higher Power and also all those who have helped me to reach this point today.